How to Be an Asshole: Library Edition

Written by Iguana on October 13th, 2014

Do your roommates  have a ton of work to do but no motivation to get out of their beds and turn off Netflix? Is it nine p.m. and all your friends have 6 page essays due in 12 hours? Lucky for you, you don’t have anything due this week. That being said, you’re probably super bored and looking for something fun to do. All the motivated people on campus are busy studying their brains out and there’s nothing you enjoy more than being a huge distraction. It’s time to hit the library!

We know you’re not studying.

When you walk into the library,

  • Have a really loud phone conversation about something nobody wants to hear about (the terrible sex you had last night, your bowel movements, and your friends’ gossip are good starting places).
  • Talk to your friends at the desk in your most obnoxious voice possible.
  • Complain to everyone you see that you have nothing to do and you’re really bored and you honestly wish you had homework to do.

At a personal desk,

  • Make sure to pull a Goldilocks and try out a couple different seats before choosing one. At each one, talk to the people next to you, move the chair up and down a few times, and type loudly on the computer.
  • Interrupt the person next to you to ask if you can borrow a pen. If they’re wearing headphones, feel free to just pull one out of their ear.
  • Put music on your iPod and pop your earbuds in, but turn your music up all the way so all the people around you can hear what great music taste you have.
  • Immediately get on Facebook and open every video you can find. Start playing them on the computer, but make sure not to plug your headphones in until after the videos have started. Apologize loudly for making so much noise.

While “studying,”

  • Keep your phone on your desk and text all your friends. Your phone will buzz on the table every time, making a shit ton of noise, but you won’t hear it since your music is so loud.
  • Slurp your coffee loudly. It’s really hot, so make sure to blow on it too.
  • Eat loud, smelly food. Great options include: apples, carrots, celery, Indian food, egg salad, tuna sandwich, potato chips (or Sunchips because those bags are the crinkliest).
  • Let all your friends know where you are so they can come visit you and distract everyone else around you. Better yet, tell your significant other to come see you so you can make out with him/her.
  • Cough into your hands and rub them all over the keyboard. Never use hand sanitizer or wash your hands (especially after going to the bathroom).

At a group study table,

  • Claim a table entirely for yourself. Spread your things out all over it.
  • Leave all your stuff there and go to D-Hall. Leave a sign saying the table is reserved. Stay away from the library for a good few hours.

On the third floor,

  • Sneeze.
  • Make any noise at all.
  • Open your computer and let it make the turn on noise.
  • Glare at everyone who passes you to let them know you take the third floor seriously.

When printing,

  • Never print fewer than fifty pages at a time.
  • Always print in the ten minutes between class when everyone else is just trying to print their essays to turn in.
  • Use all the staples and don’t tell anyone.
  • Jam the printer and sneak away without letting anyone know it’s broken.

There you have it, friends – the best ways to be an asshole in the library! If this list isn’t extensive enough for you, feel free to come up with more creative things. After all, creative thought–oh, fuck it.


Drunk, High, & Sober: Triple Threat

Written by Hannibal Burgess on October 11th, 2014

Hello all.

So Triple Threat was fun, right???  What a lovely collection of funny people. I liked the part where someone paid like $70 to make people kiss.  I’d like to have the money for that one day. Anyway, here are three different reactions from SU writes under various states of influence. I hope you will enjoy the notes I took during the show, sans autocorrect. There was alcohol involved.

(Woah I just realized there’s a pretty great double meaning in that title.)


whi is long haired boy
andrew pretty
lotta choking
i forgot britanny was in this
but im a fan
there is a dad next to me????
im pretty horny after this one
nick looks like robin
bobby does gr8 greaser accent
keegan good punk believable
ehat a commitions!
adult tiys douns fun

im lost what is haooenign
wait magbe too drubk????  oh no

two mugging sketches in one night i am seeing a pattern
we live in a police state how are we not terrified
wait i agve seen this sketch before come on guts
i need booze
daddy needs his fix
oh they eat abortions that is rich
high quality
morgan can get it
whi wrote this
i want names
feel free to reply in the comments

im getting more alcohol
i thubk somewhere diwn the line i got confused about what comedy is.
kissing meaningless


I hope that dad had fun.

Hannibal Burgess.



Up next are the notes from our resident high writer, Charmander (probably lit the blunt with its fire tail, yoooooooooo)

Hi friends here we goooooooo
Near front holla
Ridiculous music on point
Tummys a tinglin’ excite to laugh
Hella overcrowded like HOMIES new location next year
Kazoo woman marry me
This motorboat sketch is a trip
Mouse teeth killin the game rn
I’m so heart warned!
Sweater game too strong in this group like DAYUM
Smart one liners
Stoned and oh so happy
Rolling up oh my god you geniuses all on board here
It’s all good the comedy is good this year congrats guys you made it
So high
Soul crushing comedy at it’s finest
Katsup? Really?
Very amused at  this improv joke
Versace boys gone god bless
So far all of the comedians are attractive it goes here for this group too
Will there be food at auction? Doubt it #lame

I’m glad everyone is drunk good job friends
We aren’t ok to auction though oopssssssssss
Sad about not having beardy be nice to me for a week ugh
Shaving was scary but oh my this is a treat
People at this school need to learn how to math



Finally, here are the sober notes from writer Dr. Spaceman.  They are rather coherent!  Let’s read them together, shall we?


  • So many humans. So many loud, sweaty humans.
  • There were a bunch of drunk freshman biddies in front of me going into GREAT detail about what they would do to each and every comedy boy. Watch out, Sketchie boys, the freshman coming for you. And they like your butts. Oh yes, they like your butts.
  • I don’t know 99% of this school anymore. There seemed to be a plethora of sad, white girls in black cardigans. Glad to see nothing has changed.


  • For some odd reason, VERY focused on the theme of muggers/stabbing… tryna tell us something? I mean, it was still funny….but when that’s your go-to gag, time to start thinking of some new, not-as-violent-or-way-more-violent stuff.
  • My favorite sketch was those two girls diary writing. I was straight up sobbing with laughter. Who knew female sexual frustration could be so damn hilarious? Oh wait, probably because every female at Skidmore could relate to it.


  • After a traumatizing 5th grade improv class, I personally am inclined to hate improv comedy. Nothing personal, Ad-Libs.
  • They tagged each other out REALLY quickly. Is that like a fancy improv technique, or did they all just really want more attention?
  • The dog-rapping thing could have SO uncomfortably not funny, but both the performers were so bizzarely funny that I had to enjoy it.
  • Full disclosure: I was in the bathroom for most of this, pooping and thinking about how life is cyclical. So uh, they had good energy, I guess?


  • Any utilizing of our generation’s songbird Jason DeRulo will win my heart. I imagine they just went to Fallstaff’s and observed the masses to get inspiration for the dance routine.
  • That abortion/hamburger joint sketch probably pissed off a TON of people and will probably put the Sketchies on the shit list of the angry gender studies majors for life, but I loved it.
  • The “Howl” sketch was the weirdest shit ever. However, all my friends who were very high thought it was HILARIOUS. Maybe they wrote it, automatically assuming 50% of the audience would be high. In which case, I commend you, you beautiful monsters.


  • Really uncomfortable. Always really uncomfortable. This was definitely the part where I most strongly wished I wasn’t sober.
  • People here are either insanely wealthy or insanely stupid. Probably both.
  • Ugh, being sober at these things is the worst. Never again. #College



So, that’s that! Just goes to show that substances are the only REAL way to have fun. I kid, I kid. Mostly?



Triple Threat Comedy Show & Live Auction

Written by Major Qwik on October 9th, 2014

I need sunglasses to look at this for an extended period of time.

(Editor’s Note: Due to some recent complaints we received about our most recent coverage  of the Skidmore comedy groups, we’ve decided to let our official comedy consultant “A skidmore person” offer a more spirited write-up of the event. So if any of this has the potential to bother you, please just scroll down to the bottom and see what a real comedy expert has to say on the matter.)

Before you know it, it’ll be February, and with the coldest and most depressing month of the year (s/o to Valentine’s Day) comes one of the most beloved events here at Skidmore: ComFest. This Friday, you’ll be able to get a sampling of what to expect with Triple Threat, annual showcase of all three three of the four Skidmore comedy groups and ComFest fundraiser. The evening usually goes like this. The Ad-Libs, Skidomedy, and The Sketchies each come out and perform 10-15 minute long sets (during which you may writhe with bitterness at them taking “those schmucks” instead of you). After that, they’ll bring all the comedians out on stage and will hold an auction in which you can bid for the comedians to do “weird things.” (No, not that kind of “weird things.”)

It’s pretty hilarious. They’ve auctioned off some pretty sweet stuff in the past, including (but certainly not limited to):

  • shaving a comedian’s facial hair on stage
  • being tucked in to bed by one of the comedy groups
  • the chance to appear in a group’s sketch/set
  • a dhall date with the comedian of your choosing (they used to do a legitimate town, but apparently some dude was hella creepy about it and ruined it for everyone)
  • a long-winded compliment from one of the comedians
  • a $5 bill
  • having any two comedians make out on stage (this usually ends up being two dudes, because guys kissing is still pretty funny, I guess?)

I’m sure the list this year will include some of the above, but they generally do a pretty solid job of switching things up. And before you roll your eyes and sit down to write a SkidNews Op-Ed thinkpiece about how Skidmore students throw so much money at meaningless shit and demonstrate the economic privilege encapsulated by small liberal arts colleges, you should probably know that all of the proceeds go toward producing the National College Comedy Festival, which annual brings college and professional comedy groups from across the country–and has received shout outs from the New York Fucking Times. So it’s a good cause.

Of course, the auction is only the icing on the comedic cake, as the evening’s main highlight will be the short and sweet sets from the comedy groups. First, we have The Ad-Libs, who never fail to impress with their quick humor and endless flow of one-liners. You definitely remember seeing them at Freshman Showcase back when you were a bushy-tailed freshman and thought, “I wish I could do that. Maybe people would like me then.” Or maybe that was just me. Either way, odds are the Ad-Libs will milk every one of their 15 minutes and produce some improv gold. Check out their set from ComFest last year and get excited about what they have in store.

Next up is Skidomedy, always displaying a wide variety of comedic styles filled with smart (yes, smart) humor and well placed pop-culture references. They also consistently manage to inadvertently (or advertently?) rattle the cage with a healthy dose of controversy. That “Crustacean” sketch from ComFest is still legendary. And last year they faked someone’s death for like 30 seconds. Both were hilarious and resulted in a some people complaining to SGA or something. So you know they’re doing something right. They’re also roughly the size of the Treblemakers, so odds are you probably know someone in the group and should go to support them. Here’s their set from last year’s ComFest.

Lastly, we have The Sketchies. You’ve probably been very unsettled by their patented brand of rude and off-beat humor. You’ve probably found yourself thinking “Yo that’s pretty fucked-up” after one of their sketches. But that never stops the group from consistently producing hilariously enjoyable sketches exhibiting strong writing, bizarre premises, and humor as dark as their all-black attire. Check out their ComFest set for a small sampling.

Regardless of which comedy group best fits your bag, the evening’s sure to deliver, and we’ll have three correspondents covering it for our first installment of “Drunk, High, and Sober” (pretty self-explanatory, but more on that later). So show up at 10pm in Filene, bring cash (no credit card or Skidcard accepted), and start the weekend off right.

Hi Skiddies. User “A skidmore person” here. I love the comedy groups. No. You don’t understand. I FUCKING LOVE SKIDMORE COMEDY GROUPS. I get aroused just thinking about them. And the acapella groups. And just Skidmore in general. I consider myself to be something of a Skidmore comedy aficionado, so take it from me: you should really go to Triple Threat tomorrow night at 10:00pm in Filene. They’ll be doing funny things. I’ll be there in the front row, so come say hi. You’ll know me when you see me because I’ll be rubbing one out during the sets.


Midnight Dodgeball Tonight! At….. Midnight!!!

Written by Charmander on October 9th, 2014
This could be you!

This could be you!

Lots of exciting things are happening this weekend. The leaves are falling, Chance is coming, and MIDNIGHT DODGEBALL HAS ARRIVED! The Traditions Committee hosts four major weekends per school year, and this one is our first one hosted by the Senior Class Council. This Oktoberfest (wasn’t that in September?) themed weekend is full of events to participate in, mostly so we don’t go crazy waiting for Chance to come on Saturday (two days. TWO DAYS.).

This event has been a tradition of Skidmore since Lucy Scribner made her grand appearance in Saratoga Springs. No that’s a lie, but it’s been around since I’ve been here, so it’s like the same thing. There will also be FREE cider and donuts for all to partake it. You don’t even have to play the game–just take the donuts and run. Far, far away. Maybe get there early? No one wants to play dodgeball without cider, right? Hopefully you won’t get hit!

What’s really great about this event is that there is no fear of being picked last on a team like you did when you were in middle school; you pick a side and just play! For fun! Even if you can’t play/have terrible aim, no one has to know because it will be dark out. My sophomore year I accidentally threw a ball at some guy’s crotch but he has no clue who I was since it was dark out (I am SO sorry–ish). It’s all for fun and games.

The committee even created a Spotify playlist for tonight’s extravaganza (you can add songs to it too!) so you know this is a really big deal and you should take this sporting event super seriously like every other sport on campus. I think.

Play ball!

Midnight Dodgeball @ Midnight, Case Green.


Los Elk to Play 2014 CBGB Festival

Written by Executive Editor on October 9th, 2014

Why, yes: that IS an anarchy symbol painted on a train.

Skidmore’s very own indie-pop professors and Fun Day regulars Los Elk have been announced as part of the lineup for the 3rd annual CBGB Music & Film Festival. If you read the acronym “CBGB” and only think of the t-shirts worn by that one kid in high school who had “KURT COBAIN’S #1 FAN” as his name on Myspace, then read this and learn something about a huge part of American music history.

The CBGB festival made its debut in 2012, with headliners like Cloud Nothings, War on Drugs, and The Hold Steady’s Craig Finn, and featured more than 300 bands in the lineup—in addition to screenings of more than two dozen rock ‘n’ roll related films. The following year marked a couple changes in the festival: it was moved from July to October, it expanded from three days to five days, and it increased its lineup to about 500 bands.

This year, running from October 8-12, will be more of the same, with one major change: the producers have made substantial cuts to the lineup, limiting the total to a mere 50 bands. Allan Kozinn of reports that “The organizers, saying that they wanted to focus on quality rather than quantity this year, have scaled back the number of bands and solo performers to about 50.” Granted, the economy is also still in shambles, so that might have something to do with it as well.

Still, the fact that our very own Los Elk made the cut with the 90% decrease (shout out to is fucking huge, and we/they should be super stoked and proud. They’ll be joining an eclectic lineup of performers, from Jane’s Addiction to We Are Scientists to Macy Gray (of Spiderman fame).

Seeing all the other band photos made me realize that these boys really need to step up their game in this department.

Alright, boys, if you’re going to be landing gigs at sweet festival, you really oughta step up your band photo game.

Los Elk will be performing at Pianos on Saturday, October,11 at 10:00pm, right before Skidmore’s newest pals, The Rooks. If you’re interested in attending the show, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding a couple friends to head down to the city with and throw up your antlers to support our boys.

Okay, that last sentence felt really stupid to type. Besides, who are you kidding: you’re seeing Chance the Fucking Rapper on Saturday. Either way, congratulations to the band for landing a sweet gig. Yet another thing to reinforce that they’ve certainly come a long way from covering that one song by The Killers from Guitar Hero 3.


Punctuation Workshop

Written by Iguana on October 8th, 2014

You need this. You really do.

This might seem like a weird thing for Skidmore Unofficial to promote, but it’s not. I have seen your Yik Yaks and you need this. For those of you who say, “yeah, but it’s just Yik Yak, that’s not how I write in real academic papers,” I don’t believe you. So many people on this campus are terrible at grammar and punctuation – fun fact: it’s not acceptable to not know the difference between your and you’re in the real world.

Let’s be real for a minute, you don’t have anything better to do on Saturday from 1-2. If you’re sitting in your room thinking about whether or not this could be useful for you, just go. Your professors will appreciate it (and more importantly, your grades will appreciate it).

On the off chance that 1:00-2:00 on Saturday is really busy for you, here are some punctuation and grammar tips:

1. After a period, you put a space. After a comma, you put a space. Do not start typing right away again, do not put two spaces. One space. It’s easy.

2. Your and you’re mean entirely different things. There, their, and they’re are also NOT THE SAME. To, too, and two have different meanings. I’m not going to even explain the differences because this is not third grade.

3. Apart and a part are not the same thing. If you are confused about the difference, look it up.

If you want more punctuation and grammar help, GO TO THIS WORKSHOP. Don’t be a dummy, go to the Writing Center.


Watch People Light Water On Fire: Gasland Screening

Written by Glotzbach's Evil Twin on October 7th, 2014

Hey there citizens of Spaceship Earth. It’s Thursday night at 8. You’re making a half-assed attempt at that reading for your Friday class, or maybe you’re particularly thirsty this thursday and you’ve already cracked open a handle of sweet, sweet Crystal Palace with your friends. Maybe you’re crying because that cute person in your class never texted you back. Actually, you’re probably just smoking weed.

There are a myriad of thursday night activities you can partake in on campus, but which one is the BEST??? Which one will you regret the least, when post-grad-you looks back at college with misty eyed fondness? Make the right decisions, or be forever haunted by your past…

THIS THURSDAY, at 8pm in Davis Auditorium, the Academy Award nominated documentary Gasland will be shown, courtesy of Skidmore’s very own Environmental Action Club (EAC).

It’s a pretty damn good documentary folks, but don’t take it from me. You’re a Skidmore student, so you probably already love documentaries. There are tons of resources in the magical internet land (which you are currently surfing on! weeeeeeeeee!!!) which will educate you about the dangers of hydrofracking, but reading some facts on some website doesn’t really drive the point home. If you want an emotionally stirring documentary that will make you say “wow… thats fucked up,” then come on down and watch Gasland!

Heed my warnings.

-Glotzbach’s Evil Twin


How to Be an Asshole: D-Hall Edition

Written by Iguana on October 7th, 2014

Trying to find more ways to be a terrible person or maybe just looking for a way to spice up your Tuesday afternoon? How about try being an asshole in D-Hall? Lots of people practice asshole-like behaviors in our beloved dining hall and by following these simple rules, you too can be a D-Hall douchebag!


You could have easily consolidated that into one plate.

Upon Entering the Atrium,

  • be sure to make your voice really loud so as to disrupt everyone trying to do work.
  • sit in the comfy chairs to wait for your friends, but make sure to spread out so you are taking up all four of the chairs – backpack in one, coat on another, you get the idea.
  • walk around the Atrium Cafe, picking things up and moving them around as you “consider” buying them.

While Swiping Your Card,

  • take five minutes to find your card in your bag.
  • when you find your card, make sure it’s prepared to fall out of its card case. This way, the person swiping your card will have to get out of their seat and pick it up to swipe it.
  • attach your lanyard to everything else you own – your car keys, your wallet, your phone. If you’re feeling especially rude, attach it to your backpack and refuse to move closer as they try to swipe it.
  • never actually hand your card to the worker – make them work for it.
  • better yet, forget your card all together and/or try to sneak in. If they catch you, make sure you claim some sort of discrimination – I mean, you are a 20-year-old white, male college student at an elite institution in the northeast, you’re definitely being discriminated against.

While Choosing Your Food,

  • definitely don’t look around before you choose what you want, just take everything as you go by it.
  • cut people in line, saying you “just need to grab something.”
  • whenever you come across a meal that’s plated on one of those small plates, dump it onto your bigger plate and leave the little plate for the D-Hall workers to clean up for you.

At Your Table,

  • pour salt everywhere.
  • spill your drinks and food all over the table.
  • just generally be as messy as possible.
  • take all the chairs from the tables around you to make room for your friends.
  • be really loud, lean back in your chair so that you bump against people, and take up as many tables as you can.
  • cover your table in as many plates as you can.
  • play games like “stack the cups on their ends” and “stack the salt and pepper shakers from all the nearby tables.”

When Returning Your Dishes,

  • drop your plates on the ground on the way to the dishroom and leave all the food where you dropped it.
  • put sticky and/or gross things (like honey, syrup, oatmeal, etc.) in between all your dishes to secure them to one another.
  • stack as many cups as you can.
  • put all your napkins into a cup full of water. Or milk. That’s even better.
  • make sure you don’t follow what the signs say and leave all your napkins and silverware on your plate(s).
  • even better, don’t clean up your dishes at all. Play your part in enhancing the Skidmore stereotype of spoiled, entitled kids who mommy and daddy have taken care of their whole lives – you pay $60,000 a year to be here, you deserve someone to clean up after you.

So there it is, the easy, straightforward rules about how to be an asshole in D-Hall. If you only remember three things from this whole list, remember to be as messy as possible, be rude to everyone who works in D-Hall, and act as entitled as you can.


Skidmore Theater Presents: Dancing at Lughnasa

Written by Executive Editor on October 7th, 2014
Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 2.42.43 PM

Skidmore Theater presents “Dancing at Lughnasa,” directed by Marie Glozbatch, and co-starring Bean Boots and leggings.

The Skidmore Theater Department has announced its Fall 2014 black box production, Brian Friel’s Dancing at Lughnasa, directed by Marie Glotzbach. (Yeah, that would be Phil’s wife.)

Dancing at Lughnasa explores the fragile harmony among five grown sisters in rural northern Ireland in 1936 juxtaposed against the realities of political and religious shifts and the oncoming industrial revolution. Reflected through the memory of Michael, the illegitimate son of one of the sisters, playwright Brian Friel reveals undercurrents of desire and longing, which he interweaves with motifs of music, dancing, and a traditional pagan festival. Cutting between Michael’s adult and seven-year-old selves, Friel takes us back to the Ireland of Michael’s childhood and tries to come to terms with the changes in both family dynamics and Irish culture. On this gauzy screen of memory, caring family ties and nostalgia filter together like a pattern of light and shading in a woodland glen.

The show runs from October 16 to October 22, and all shows—with the exception of the Sunday Matinee on the 18th—start at 8:00pm. It looks like everything’s sold out except for the 20th, the 21st, and the 22nd, so you probably want to hop on that pretty soon if you’re interested.

You can call the Skidmore Theater Box Office at (518) 580-5439 or email them at For online ticketing refer to Skidmore College Theater on Facebook or the Theater Department’s website. Tickets are $12 general admission and $8 for students and senior.

That seems a little on the steep side, but the department usually does pretty solid work, so you should take a couple bucks out of your coffee fund and treat yourself to a night of theater. Theater majors probably seem pretty culty and Greeky at points, and there’s a 85% chance you’ve gotten kicked out one of their parties at some point in your time at Skidmore (at least they don’t hand out flyers to freshmen, though) but the department’s pretty well-known and produces good people like that dude from The Walking Dead. So this just might be your chance to say you knew that one recurring TV show character way back when.


Harrison Lipton Debuts “Think Twice”

Written by Executive Editor on October 5th, 2014



I already feel gloomy.

If you listened to the new track from singer/composer Harrison Lipton ’15 and weren’t the slightest bit disappointed that it wasn’t a cover of the brilliant Eve 6 anthem of possessiveness, you’re probably not alone. (Seriously, you can admit it without shame. 2003 was a great year.) But don’t let that stop you from giving the track (which is currently streaming on CMJ) a listen, because this is a strong debut that exhibits excellent songwriting and crisp production–slightly reminiscent of PBR&B acts like Active Child, James Blake, and How to Dress Well. Kind of. But not exactly. RIYL’s are weird and counter-intuitive.

You might have witnessed Lipton’s striking talent as a vocalist and performer at Drastic Measures jams, but “Think Twice” shows that Lipton has a lot going for him as a solo artist as well. While Lipton showcases his impressive capabilities as a producer and songwriter, his hauntingly beautiful croon–recently featured in a new track from Mister Lies–is the real standout, delicately soaring above minimalistic yet lush instrumentation and pegging Lipton as a solo artist worth keeping your eye on for future work.

Though this is currently Lipton’s only track, you can check him out on both Bandcamp and Soundcloud.