Drinking! Right, guys? Totally!
The first step when it comes to drinking is to buy alcohol. If you’re twenty-one or older, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re not, you’ll need a fake ID.
Buying beer with a fake ID can be a daunting experience, so it helps to go in with a game plan. Follow these ten easy steps and you can’t go wrong.
- Try to put yourself in the mindset of a twenty-one-year-old. When you enter the store, walk as quickly as possible to the beer aisle, keeping your head down and making eye contact with no one. Scowl and appear disinterested. That’s how real adults do it.
- When you approach the counter, don’t say anything to the cashier.
- Actually, maybe you should say something. Like, it would be weird if you didn’t say anything at all, right? But don’t say too much. You don’t want it to seem forced. “Hey, how’s it going?” should suffice.
- Hm. Your voice is kind of high. I mean, it’s probably not a big deal. Some adults have high voices. They probably aren’t on to you. Maybe you should say something in a lower voice, just in case. How about: “Busy night?”
- Oof, that was not so good. Don’t say anything else.
- Have your ID ready for when they ask for it. But not too ready. Don’t make it seem like you’re really eager for them to see your ID or something, because it’s not that big a deal. Just showing your perfectly valid, legitimate Texas Driver’s License, which you use to buy beer all the time. It’s not like you have to shove it in their face or something. That would totally blow your cover.
- But don’t just keep it in your pocket until they ask for it. I mean, you’re not pretending to be forty, right? Obviously you’re not surprised that you’re getting IDed. It’s totally standard. Maybe you should kind of just hold your wallet awkwardly over the counter and stand perfectly still until they make the first move.
- Ok, this is it. Take the ID out the wallet. Be casual about it. Not a big deal. Hold it loosely between two fingers and just hand it — Oh, God, you dropped it? Pick it up. Pick it up. Quick. Quicker.
- Ok, just make a run for it. Forget the beer! Go! Go!
- See if anybody knows any upperclassmen.
Games People Play:
The best games to play while drinking are drinking games. Drinking games are a great way to bond with a group of close friends while causally enjoying the stress relieving effects of alcohol. Make sure to enjoy responsibly.
A word of warning: When playing drinking games, you may occasionally find yourself confronted by an aggressively competitive player. In such an event, use your jacket to make your body appear as large as possible, make as much noise as you can and remain calm; they are probably more scared of you than you are of them.
You Shall Not Pass (A Breathalyzer)
What You Will Need:
1 Roll of Duct Tape
How You Play:
Wizard’s Staff, known to some as Wisest Wizard, is a social drinking game wherein you and your friends tape all of your empty beer cans together to create a flimsy aluminum staff and then pretend to be Wizards. Since everybody knows that wizards derive their power from alcohol, the goal of this game is to prove your magical prowess by building the largest wizard staff.
As each new beer is opened it is taped to the top of the previous beer. Players may only sip from cans attached to their staffs. A player becomes a wizard, and is therefore granted special powers, when the height of their staff is equal or greater than their own height. Special powers include making vomit appear, erasing personal memories, and the ability to smoke indoors. If you and your muggle friends are lil’ bitches that can’t drink their height in beers then the rules must be amended and the player with the longest staff at the end of the night will be crowned the Wizard.
Pro Tips: For some reason Coors Light comes in a taller can. Buy a personal 30 for yourself and give your friends some squat Bud Lights. You’ll be a wizard in no time!
For a boost of confidence, start your staff with a shotgunned Steel Reserve tallboy. You’ll be slurring incantations before you know it!
Once your staff reaches a length of four or five cans it can be effectively used as a weapon against other players.
Ask Your Grandfather (What a Quarter Is)
What You Will Need:
How You Play: Players take turns spinning a quarter, taking a sip of beer, and picking up the quarter all with the same hand. If a player fails to pick up the quarter before it stops spinning, he goes again until he gets it right. When a player has finished his beer, he is allowed to slam the empty can on top of another player’s quarter. The empty then becomes a “landmine” and stays there for the duration of the game.
Pro Tips: This is a game of psychological warfare. Target the weakest looking person at the table and fake like you’re going to slam your beer can on their quarter every time it’s their turn. Do it so many times that you lull them into a false sense of security, and then, when they finally think they’ve got you figured out: BAM! You slam your can right on top of their hand, breaking two or three fingers. Nothing messes with a person psychologically like some broken fingers.
Makes White Women Go Crazy
What You Will Need:
How You Play: Begin by splitting the players into two equally sized teams. Each player receives a Solo cup containing roughly two inches of beer and lines up on the table’s long edge across from a player of the opposing team. One at a time, beginning at the head of the table, players chug their cup of beer and then place it bottom down on the table. The cup must then be flipped upwards so that it lands upside down on the table. The next player may not begin drinking their beer until the previous player has completed the flip. The first team to successfully flip all of their cups is the winner. Rounds continue until each opposing pairing at the table has had a chance to start. The team that has won the most rounds at the end of play is awarded three minutes of obscenity screaming and uncensored trash talk. It is customary for the winner team to belch in the face of the motherfuckers whose ass they just beat.
Distractions and trash talk can prove incredibly useful during game play. Try screaming horrible things about the mothers and sisters of the opposing team.
This game is great for families. Thanksgiving, a holiday already deeply rooted in families gathering around the table, is the perfect time to rally the troops.
To avoid dragging up any touchy memories from Middle School Phys. Ed. when it comes time to pick teams, immediately declare that the game will pit residents of New York State against the rest of you assholes.
What You Will Need:
2 ping-pong balls
22 solo cups
How You Play: Seriously?
A big part of beer pong is distracting the other team with things like yelling, sudden movements, or boobs. Boobs are both the most effective and the most underutilized distraction there is and ladies are encouraged to implement the boob-showing strategy often and with great enthusiasm, even if they are not directly involved in the game. Guys, of course, do not have boobs with which to distract the other team unless they have man-boobs in which case… go for it? I guess? It certainly can’t hurt, unless you have pride.
Edward Forty Hands:
Less Boring Than The Movie
What You Will Need:
1 roll of duct tape
2 40oz bottles of malt liquor (beer)
How You Play: Players begin by having a friend duct tape two open 40s to their hands — resulting in a loss of all dexterity — and are charged with finishing both. Players are not allowed use of their hands for any reason. Trips to the bathroom and cell phone calls must either be ignored or made with the aid of a friend. If a player is unwilling or unable to finish two 40s they may begin the night by substituting a kitchen utensil (eg. Spatula) for one of the bottle, as long as use of the hand is fully eliminated.
Unsatisfied with the level of incredible pants-pissing drunkenness afforded by Edward Forty Hands? Advanced players are welcome to try Amy Wine Hands. Replace the bottles of malt liquor with bottles of your finest wine.
Do not be so foolish as to think that you will be able to operate a cell phone during this game. Even if you were somehow able to type out a text with your nose, whatever you trying to type is probably best left unsaid.
This game is named for the 1990 romantic fantasy film Edward Scissorhands. For an extra good time pretend you care about the opinions of people that liked this movie.
Screw Your Neighbor:
We Don’t Really Know The Rules Either
What You Will Need:
How You Play: The best way to play Screw Your Neighbor is to tell the person that suggested this awful game to leave the party.
Never Have I Ever (Wanted To Play Kings)
What You Will Need:
A deck of cards
An annoying friend who is always trying to make everybody play kings
How You Play: Spread the deck of cards out in a circle around a full can of beer. Players take turns picking a card. Everybody seems to have slightly different rules for what each card means, but if you’re over eighteen and from the northeast the generally accepted rules are: Two is you, three is me, four is floor, five is guys, six is chicks, seven is heaven, eight is date, nine is rhyme, ten is categories, jack is never-have-I-ever, queen is questions, king is make up a rule, and ace is face (waterfall.)
Pro Tips: I mean, just grit your teeth and try to get through it. Nobody likes playing Kings. No one wins so there’s no strategy to discuss, but the one thing that I would like to address is the rule for Queen (questions.) Now, when I first learned how to play kings, we played that when somebody draws a queen they are allowed to hold on to it until they ask another player a question at which point that player would either remember that the question-asker was holding a queen and refuse to answer the question or forget, answer the question, and be forced to take a sip of beer (in Kings, of course, all offenses are punishable by a sip of beer. Wooooooo.) But anyway, that was a pretty good rule for queens. I mean, it was not a particularly great rule by any means. But it was no more or less retarded than any of the other rules in Kings, which isn’t saying much but whatever. It certainly could have been more retarded, like, for instance, if the rule was that when you drew a queen you then asked another player a question and then they asked someone else a question and they asked someone else a question and it went on like that until someone messed up. I mean, that would be really dumb, right? Literally, all you have to do is ask anybody any question. How could someone possibly mess that up? Don’t get me wrong — people do mess it up, but I guess my point is JESUS CHRIST. Needless to say, that is the rule that everybody plays with now, proving that kings is a game for people who don’t understand how English works.
Pitting Bro Against Bro
What You Will Need:
3 ping-pong balls
9 solo cups
Minimal knowledge of American history (for jokes)
How You Play: Civil War is basically what beer pong would be like if there were two more players and everybody smoked meth. Each team has three players. Each player has three cups (two beer, one wine.) One team starts with two balls, the other team with one ball. Everyone shoots maniacally whenever they can get their hands on a ball. If a player’s cup is hit, he must drink that cup before he is allowed to shoot again. Once all three of a player’s cups have been eliminated, he is no longer allowed to shoot, but may attempt to recover loose balls for his team.
Pro Tips: The Civil War pitted brother against brother, not in the sense of actual brothers, but more in the sense of everyone who speaks the same language kind of being related. And just as the actual Civil War was the deadliest war in American history, the game Civil War will be the deadliest game in You And Your Friends history. It starts out fun. Everyone is shooting, laughing, drinking. Then, disaster. Fort Sumter is captured by the Confederacy. Metaphorically. In reality, a player is eliminated. He starts dashing around the table, diving after ping-pong balls. All hell breaks loose! Elbows are flying! Musket balls are whizzing through the air! Sherman marches to the sea! Brother against brother! Before you know it, you’re stabbing one of your friends through the heart with a cavalry saber. Metaphorically.
Drinking In The Dorms:
It’s Friday night and none of your social contacts or cool upperclassmen friends are responding to your semi-desperate texts. Billy Madison is wrapping up on TBS and the thirty-rack of PBR or handle of Crystal Palace your peer mentor bought is becoming less and less enticing. Before you trudge over to the Spa and call it a night, might we suggest drinking heavily in your room?
It’s unfortunate that dorm-drinking is almost exclusively relegated to “pre-gaming.” It’s a necessary aspect of the college experience, and it can be both rewarding and memorable (especially in the winter when going outside means putting yourself through physical pain) if you’re just a little careful and you don’t act like a moron.
Here are some helpful tips to remember when all else fails and the room-rage begins:
NOISE LEVELS: Use your indoor voice and keep the music down.
This point can’t be stressed enough. When you hear one of those ominous, steady knocks, it’s usually after someone has screamed “FUCKING CHUG” or “CHRIST I’M SO DRUNK” or “LET’S CONTINUE TO INGEST SUBSTANCES THAT ARE BANNED IN THE DORMS!” Campo likes to lurk, and while broadcasting that you’re slamming beers to the whole floor might make you like-mad-cool-bro, it’s a perfect excuse for them to write you up.
ENTRIES/EXITS : Keep the door locked and never open the door without checking the peephole.
Campo can be a crafty, Vietcong-like enemy, and they’ve been known to cover up the peephole or step out of view. You may even want to go further by establishing a secret knock, like whacking the door-handle in succession. In short, if the situation seems sketchy, it probably is.
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: Have a contingency plan.
Last year, my friends and I were playing Beer Pong in Penfield, and we formulated a complex, multi-faceted scheme to disassemble our table and hide all incriminating evidence in — I swear to Moses — eleven seconds flat. Each person had a different responsibility, and the success of the operation de- pended on everyone’s cooperation. It was like we were running a speakeasy and we felt awesome.
BE SMART: Learn when Campo or the RAs go on rounds.
Remember that part in Zelda where you have to avoid the palace guards by watching their patterns and hiding behind corners because they were always too stupid to turn around and see you? This is what thwarting the Law is like. Once you’ve ascertained what time rounds happen, just quiet down and put on the TV until the coast is clear.
Sometimes your body gives you signals when it comes to drinking. For instance, when your body starts heaving itself around Peabody’s, waving its arms in the air and grinding up against everything that looks like it might be the opposite sex, that’s a signal that you have drunk an appropriate amount of alcohol and that you are having an acceptably good time.
Another signal that your body might give you is forcefully expelling the contents of its stomach through the mouth (and sometimes nose.) This is known as throwing up, puking, vomiting, purging, barfing, bombing, upchucking, booting, ejecting, ralphing, pulling the trigger, tossing cookies, blowing chunks, gagging, disgorging, casting away, hacking, heaving, hurling, honking, losing one’s lunch, marking one’s territory, praying at the porcelain altar, retching, regurgitating, cleaning house, bringing up, decorating the pavement, spewing, doing the technicolor yawn, being sick, going on a diet, riding a Buick, tossing a sidewalk pizza, visiting Uncle Larry, performing peristaltic pyrotechnics, odor outputting, or Rufus.
Let’s face it: If you aren’t throwing up, you probably aren’t drinking enough.
Since it’s pretty much inevitable that you’re going to end up driving the porcelain bus at one point or another, here are some tips on how to deal with the experience:
- Eat lots of delicious, rich food right before you start drinking. That way your puke will taste good on the way out.
- Always vomit outside. You won’t have to clean it up and maybe a hungry animal will eat it, so, you know, environmentalism or whatever. Throwing up into a toilet is considered poor form. You know how they say don’t shit where you sleep? Well don’t puke where you shit. And don’t sleep where you puke. Full circle.
- Make sure you have a breath mint right after barfing. If you barf through your nose, crush the breath mint up and snort it.
- If you’ve thrown up multiple times and think you might have really drank too much, you can always do the Gordie test. That’s where you go up to your friend Gordie and be like, “Yo, Gordie, did I drink too much?” Don’t worry; Gordie will give it to you straight. (But who will Gordie the Gordie?)
Dormroom Margarita: Mix tequila and Mountain Dew, stir and serve in a Nalgene bottle.
Poor Man’s Mimosa: To make this close cousin of the venerable Brass Monkey mix two cans of Keystone Light with one large pour of orange juice in a red solo cup, serve chilled.
Crystal Crystal: In a Nalgene bottle mix Crystal Palace vodka and one packet Crystal Light lemonade mix, also maybe some water.
Moorebid Baller: Mix two cans of FourLoko with an incredible amount of pressure to get drunk and dance with strangers. Garnish with cut lime.
X-Tremely Lively Lucy: Mix one part Bacardi 151 with two parts Green Mountain Coffee. Serve in a Burgess cup. Perfect for the student on the go!
Red Zone: Mix Hawaiian Punch and vodka in a Poland Spring bottle. Great for turning your entire mouth hideously crimson!