You’re either really trying to impress that guy you met downtown who had the name of that team on a hat, you put your daddy’s fat stack of cash on the big game, or you’re horribly lost and confused. In that case, close the computer, spin around three times for good luck, lay down, dry-hump the floor, open your computer, and keep reading you brainwashed fuck.
If you haven’t heard, the dirty birds are taking on Brady and the boys this Sunday to compete for America’s ultimate prize; a chance to say “I’m going to Disney world” on live TV right after cracking skulls for five hours or however long that shit lasts.
In between all the chaos Lady Gaga will be performing the halftime show, which will give you the opportunity to actually recognize something on the screen for the first time in hours.
The game starts at 6:30 which should give you ample time to procrastinate all of your work and, finally, get blackout on a Sunday night for a sporting event you probably don’t give a shit about.
For those of you still trying to figure out who to root for, consider this.
Reasons to root for the New England Patriots:
1. You’re from Boston or surrounding areas
2. A list has to have at least two things on it
Reasons to root for the Falcons:
1. You’re from Atlanta (but none of you are)
2. They’re the underdog and we like that, right?
3. They’ve never won a super bowl
4. They’re not the Patriots.
5. They play in a dome…that’s cool?
6. DOPE mascot
Reasons to root against the Patriots:
1. Brady and Trump are BFF’s
2. Coach Belicheck and Trump are BFF’s
3. Patriots Owner Robert Kraft and Trump are BFF’s
4. Do I really have to keep going?
5. Yes I do
6. Nevermind I don’t.
7. I think you get the picture
8. Ps deflategate
9. And also more cheating
Reasons to root against the Falcons
1. You voted for trump.
2. You shouldn’t.
Enjoy the game!