Satire

...now browsing by tag

 
 

Skidmore Riots in Celebration of Phillies World Series Win

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Following the Philadelphia Phillies first World Series victory since 1980, a jubilant Skidmore student body gathered together on the quad last night to celebrate.

“It was amazing,” said Skidmore student and Philadelphia native Ben Giles. “What with Skidmore’s apathetic reputation and all, I never thought I would see so many people coming out to show this kind of support.”

The crowd grew larger and larger, breaking out sporadically into cheers and applause. Many of the students began to chant “Yes we can” repeatedly, an obvious reference to the Phillies’ critics who claimed that the top teams in the American League were far stronger than top teams in the National League.

“I never thought that I would see a National League team win the World Series in my lifetime,” said sophomore Meredith Carlton. “There’s so much anticipation and anxiety leading up to the World Series and the baseball season is so long that for it to finally be over, it just feels like a great weight has been lifted. It’s such an amazing feeling.”

Click to continue »

Band Continues to Play on Well After Keg is Kicked

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

This Saturday evening, fans packed into an off campus house for one, or two . . . or maybe three reasons and three reasons only: to get drunk as shit, possibly hook up with that cute girl from physics, and see some live music. What concertgoers found upon stumbling into the door, after exiting from the overpriced cab ride (cause Alpine really wasn’t that great) and immediately being asked for ‘5 bucks’ for a red solo cup, was the live music experience of a lifetime. The smell of weed, cigarettes, and spilled beer emanated in the home, accompanied by the crashing of symbols and the ring of catchy guitar riffs and bass lines.

“You really don’t get a lot of chances to sing along to a live band performing near forgotten rock songs of the 90s with other drunk people. That is something I wish people would cherish more nowadays” said one fan of the anonymous cover band who played such crowd pleasers as Weezer’s “Say it Ain’t So” and Blink 182’s “What’s My Age Again?” The party spanned from the front porch all the way through the dining room/kitchen/living room/stage and into the bonfire filled backyard and porch, but the real focus was on the music inside. “I was completely captivated by them,” said one fan, “I even took a break from my flip-cup game just to take it all in.”
Click to continue »

Student Interrupts Professor’s Tangential Story with Semi-Related, Even More Tangential Story

Friday, September 26th, 2008

SARATOGA SPRINGS—A new precedent was set today in tangential story-telling, when a History Professor’s boring, off-topic tale of a time he got lost in a Circuit City was interrupted by a student’s even more boring tale, which also had something to do with Circuit City.

“Professor Dougal was talking about the fall of the Roman Empire and said something about the Roman Empire getting too big, and then he made a joke about how if the Emperor tried to find his way around it, he would have gotten lost,” said senior Danielle Gomez.  “Then all of a sudden, he got this wry smile on his face and just launched into this whole story about one time when he was eight and he got lost in a Circuit City.”

Although it has been reported that Professor Dougal does this sort of thing two or three times per class meeting, what happened next was truly extraordinary.

“Then this girl who sits behind me raises her hand,” Gomez said.  “I thought she was going to say something to get us back on track, but instead she started telling a story about a time she saw two men fighting over a shopping cart outside of a Circuit City in her home town.  It was crazy!”
Click to continue »

Panini Machine Malfunction: Students Outraged

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Skidmore College is a school renowned for its rigor and prestige, but most notably its Dining Services.  More specifically, the Murray-Aikins Dining Hall’s Panini machine.  Easily the most attractive aspect of the college, the Panini machine grills sandwiches and wraps to gooey, melted perfection.  For years, students fled to the Deli when everything else available for consumption was mediocre.  It was a place where students could get a nice wrap or deli sandwich, with chips and/or a pickle, and up until several days ago, the option of having the sandwiches and wraps grilled—the cornerstone of the Deli’s popularity.

The Panini machine now sits closed.  The sad site of the defunct machine has caused much distress among students. “When are they gonna fix that fucking thing?” asked one student, who elaborated that “One of the main reasons I came to Skidmore was for the deli quality grilled sandwiches and wraps advertised so elaborately in the School brochure.  Now, to be quite frank, I might have to transfer.”

Skidmore boasts a 94% returning freshman rate, but if the machine is not fixed soon, the school can expect a dramatic plummet in this very coveted statistic.

Guy Has Average Time at Girl Talk Concert

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

After a recent performance by musical mash-up artist Gregg Gillis, more commonly known by his stage name “Girl Talk”, one student reported that the concert was an overall pleasurable experience.

“Yeah, I had a decent time,” said sophomore Andrew Rosen. “I thought the music was pretty cool, and I had fun dancing.”

“I like the whole mash-up thing,” Rosen elaborated. “I hadn’t really heard of it before, but I think it’s a good idea. I might even go to my local record store and buy a few of his CDs.”

Rosen admits to attending the show in a slightly altered state, albeit very slightly.

“I had a couple beers with some friends before the show,” Rosen said. “I was going to have more, maybe like three or four, but I drank the second beer a little too quickly and became somewhat queasy.” Click to continue »

New D-Hall Cups Cause Student Unrest

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

As many students have already noticed, the Skidmore Dining Services took an unprecedented step in thievery control this year, introducing a new line of D-Hall cups.  These cups, while the same as last year’s cups in appearance, are made of a material that is a compound of super-glue, and used chewing gum, unlike last year’s cups, which were made out of plastic.

“Last year, kids would steal all our cups and take them down to their Scribner houses, where they would melt them down and use the melted plastic to make furniture and art projects and other things of that nature,” said Food Services Head Supervisor Jeff Jepson.  “At least, we think that’s what happened to them.  Where else would all our cups have gone?  Also, can somebody tell me what a Scribner House actually is?”

The new cups have been deemed less than satisfactory by a large percentage of the student population, due to their sticky nature.

“They fucking stick together,” said junior Willy Clinton.  “All of them.  Every time I go to get a cup, I get eight.  What the shit is this?  I shouldn’t have to play a fucking game of tug-o-war every time I want some apple juice.”

Other students have echoed Willy’s sentiments.

“These cups are the worst thing to happen to Skidmore ever,” said sophomore Jennifer McFitty.  “Even worse than that girl who died in a fire in Wilmarth, and they’ve been talking about her for thirty years.”

Jepson, however, seems to be oblivious to the unpopularity of the new cups.

“We’re really happy about the new cups, especially since nobody has stolen any yet,” said Jepson.  “Which is actually good, because if somebody steals one cup they’re going to end up stealing all the cups because they all stick together.”

The D-Hall has no plans to replace the cups in the near future.

“This is the best thing we’ve ever done,” said Jepson.  “Next year we’re thinking of getting a new line of forks made entirely out of marshmallows.”

Review: Beer in College, Even @ Skidmore

Friday, September 12th, 2008

If there is one thing that movies have taught us it is that college = beer.  Of course, we as students know that this is an incomplete equation.  While beer is a large part of college, there are many other factors that define our pre-real world experience, such as sleeping and being broke.  With this in mind, I propose a new formula, which I have named “Jeremiah’s Formula”.  It is as follows:

College = really cheap beer

I have also taken the time to review a few of this season’s most popular really cheap beers, in order to help connoisseurs and amateurs alike in selecting the best brews for the right occasions.  Enjoy!

Keystone (2007) 15/20: A well-crafted and perky brew, with hints of vanilla, toasted oak, and water.  On the palate, this beer is lively and round, but it lacks the body to truly stand out among its peers.  Best served heated to room temperature and ingested through a plastic tube.

Busch (2008) 13/20: A uniquely complex beer, its richness hits your nose like a fistful of kalamata olives.  It is a true product of the St. Louis region, its flavor a hybrid of leather and fresh fig, giving way to a subtle goat cheese note.  Although distinctive and full, the finish is dry and lingers slightly.

Coors Light (1999) 11/20: Despite a satiny texture and tingly acidity, this Colorado blend of grapefruit, maple syrup and desperation—finely aged in the back of the fridge at the Getty—may be past its prime.  Try it with a nice filet mignon, or in a solo cup with a twist of dirty ping-pong ball.

Olde English 40oz. (2005) 19/20: A true classic of the hood region, this aromatic brew is matured to perfection, with an ample bouquet of shame, candied chestnut, and spring flowers infused with golden delicious apple and thug.  Try taking two bottles (very affordable) and duct-taping them to your hands.

Natural Ice (2008) 8/20: Although not without potential, this brew will not reach its peak for another five-seven years.  It offers an intriguing juxtaposition of orange blossom, cigarette smoke, and black pepper, but fails to deliver with a texture that lacks viscosity.  A berry-rich, mid-palate edge stands out when sampled through a hole in the can your buddy Kyle made with his room key.