Hello, sir. You seem to be enjoying your evening. You are talking loudly and appear to be intoxicated, so much in fact that you bumped into my arm as we passed each other. An honest mistake, I’m sure, but I am afraid that my sense of honor cannot allow this infringement to go unanswered. We must now engage in fisticuffs. Have at you!

Yes, I suppose we could both go our separate ways. That would certainly have its benefits, as it would require markedly less effort and almost completely eliminate the possibility of physical harm on both of our parts. Or I could pummel your face and upper body with my fists. Now really, sir, which option seems more reasonable to you?

Now hold on, sir. If you continue to walk away, I will be forced to take drastic actions. You will leave me little choice, and, as much as it chagrins me to do so, I will call you a pussy. A pussy, sir! And there will be no doubt in the minds of these onlookers as to who the victor is.

I am a man, sir. A large, strong man. I lift weights in the gymnasium. There is little doubt that any female who has witnessed this interaction would now like to sleep with me. You, on the other hand, have proven yourself to be a scoundrel and a cad. Yes, my dear sir. A cad.

I am so very angry.

BOLTON HALL—Reports have surfaced that a student in a 200-level English class made several salient and insightful comments during a recent class meeting, effectively ruining it for everyone else.

The dickhead in question, one Alex Thornton, began his demonstration of overwhelming intelligence by remarking that in the third chapter of the assigned reading, the author was making the case that “it is not just the powerful who are to be feared, but also the weak and frustrated,” or something equally obnoxious.

“Who does that asshole think he is?” said classmate Natalie Alba. “Speaking in complete sentences, directly quoting passages from the book… Is he trying to make me look stupid?”

The smarmy little know-it-all went on to link the reading that had been assigned for that class period to the over-arching theme of the course, indicating that he had not only done the current reading but all of the preceding ones as well.

“Somebody needs to put a sock in that kid’s mouth,” said classmate Andrew Brickman. “It’s pretty simple. If nobody talks in class then everybody gets an A. Learn how to be a team player for once in your life.”

Thornton continued to reveal himself to be a pretentious, overachieving piece of shit by commenting offhandedly that he had “read ahead,” as the twenty-four pages that had been assigned for the class period clearly had not been enough to occupy his enormous brain.

“What the fuck?” said the class’ instructor, Professor Dana Rathbone. “Why is this kid trying to act like I know what he’s talking about? You think I have time to read this crap? I have a life, you know.”

Skidmore College has a seen a recent surge in the number of bias incidents reported, with most of the reports coming from Dean of Student Affairs Andrea Marcus.

The first incident occurred while Marcus was wandering through Wait Hall and overheard the song “Hustlin” by Rick Ross being played in a student’s room. She listened for about a minute before hearing the line, “It’s time to spread my thrills/Custom spinnin’ wheels/I ain’t drove in a week, them bitches stainless steel.”

“Of course I immediately rushed to my computer to report the Bias Incident,” Marcus said. “Such offensive language against women will not be tolerated.”

While at her computer, it occurred to Marcus that there might be other Bias Incidents in popular music that had yet to be reported.

“I downloaded a lot of rap music and put it on my Ipod,” Marcus said, “but I didn’t have time to listen to all of it right then. I had to go investigate a report that the word ‘hoe’ was being thrown around by a group of students trying to make a garden. Turns out that one was a false alarm.”

The second incident occurred the next day, while Marcus was running on the treadmill and the song “The Glory” by Kanye West came on her Ipod.

“I was kind of grooving to it until I heard him rap, ‘Yeah, that tuxedo might have been a little Guido,’” Marcus said. “Boom! Reported.”

Marcus has since reported 1,147 Bias Incidents after deciding to listen to the works of all rap artists from the past decade alphabetically. She is currently halfway through Big Daddy Kane.

While some students have found the numerous emails from Marcus annoying, others see them in a more positive light.

“Ms. Marcus has turned me on to some great music,” said sophomore Jacqueline Larsen. “I’d never heard of AZ or Big Gipp before. It’s like subscribing to a music blog.”

“These Bias Incidents sure are catchy,” Marcus said. “But offensive. But really catchy. The other day I caught myself singing ‘Nigga What, Nigga Who” by Jay-Z and I had to report a Bias Incident against myself. I’m going to recommend that I’m fired immediately. Such behavior will not be tolerated.”

You know, college is different than high school. In high school I would exercise all the time. I was always running around, playing sports, and just being outside. It was great. Also, my high school only had around four hundred kids in it, so if you screamed obscenities at one of your classmates there was a good chance it would come back to bite you. Not so in college.

College is a place where you grow up, mature, and learn how to be a part of the real world. And with all of my newfound responsibility, I find it almost impossible to get any exercise. Hell, the most active I usually get is parking myself on the couch and playing Gears of War 2! Such is the life of an adult, I guess. I’m sure you’ve experienced similar problems.

Well, the good news is that there is a solution. Last year I joined my friend’s intramural dodge ball team and found that it was a great way to stay in shape while still having fun and being around people. How awesome is that? This school offers a wide variety of intramural sports, from softball, to volleyball, to basketball and I play them all. There’s nothing I love more than some good, friendly competition…unless it’s yelling an ethnic slur at someone I’ve never met. And guess what? In intramural sports, you can do that too!

In addition to getting in shape, intramural sports are a great way to make friends. Also enemies. I cannot even tell you how deep the bond is with the other nine members of my softball team, or how much the other eighty-seven members of the league thoroughly despise me. It’s okay though—they’re all pussies.

I hear what people say. Blake, they say to me, there’s no need to be so competitive. Intramural sports are just for fun. I couldn’t agree more. After all, what could be more fun than telling a person who has no idea who I am that they are a pathetic fucking assclown?

Did I mention that you can drink at some of the intramural games? That’s fun too.

Sometimes people do cross the line though, and that’s just not cool. For instance, the other day, in my softball game, the catcher for the other team had the nerve to try and call me out on a close play at the plate when I had clearly slid in under his tag. What was that cunt bitch thinking? That is not what intramural sports are all about. But you know what? If he wants to try and win like that, that’s fine. I gave myself credit for the run anyway and then went and spit on his cell phone. That’ll show the sniveling little vaginal wart.

So remember, if you want to have a great time while getting exercise, don’t hesitate to sign up for a team. Unless it’s not my team. Then you can go fuck yourself.

As per tradition, the team that won this year’s Hunt went above and beyond the list provided by the panel of judges and exceeded all expectations, performing a four act play they had written earlier that day to capture first place.

“The first act was a soliloquy questioning the possibility of ethics in an inherently amoral society,” said team captain Cameron Baumgardener. He continued, “Then in the second act we all got naked and licked chocolate syrup off Ashley’s boobs.”

“I was really impressed with their use of anagnorisis in the second and third acts,” said Hunt judge Owen Craven. “The examination of the common man as a being simultaneously in control and not in control of his actions was fascinating and I found the ending to be cathartic, if a little trite.”

The team was awarded two thousand points for their play, enough to vault them into first place. The performance was described as “inspired” by two of the judges and “incendiary” by a third.

“The play was, like, sooooo good,” said Hunt judge Sarah Bridgewater. “I was all like, what are we doing here? What does it all mean? Oh my gosh.”

Baumgardener takes credit for the idea. “We were supposed to bring a bottle of vegetable oil and most teams end up chugging it, I think,” he said. “But I was like, wait a minute, guys. What if we use the vegetable oil as a metaphor for the impracticality of heroism in the modern day?”

In addition to their play, the winning team photographed themselves naked in front of Borders and upper-decked two toilets in Case Center.

SCRIBNER VILLAGE—Reports have surfaced that the kid sitting in the common room of your house—over an hour after the departure of the last group of guests—would not be opposed to idea of firing up your hookah and smoking from it.

“Is that a hookah?” the kid was heard saying. “I love hookah. Somebody should get that shit going.”

As of press time, the name of the kid has not been verified, although one of your housemates thinks he might be in one of her English classes and that his name might start with a P. Despite the many hints that have been dropped and the fact that he is the only person in the house who does not live there, the kid is showing no signs of being ready to leave.

“Wow, it’s getting late,” one of your housemates was heard saying, while stifling a very exaggerated yawn. “Almost time for bed.”

The kid was described as around 5’8” wearing a purple hoodie and displaying no inhibitions or visible signs of tiredness.

“This is a sick house,” the kid was heard saying. “Anybody down for a game of beer pong?”

Three students smoking a marijuana cigarette outside of Bolton Hall last night may have saved themselves a lot of time, money, and trouble when they pulled off a slick maneuver to avoid a Campus Police Officer.

“We were smoking this fat joint and I looked over Erick’s shoulder and saw this guy kind of looking at us off in the distance,” said Freddy Arquette, one of the friends. “He was wearing a gray shirt and he was pretty overweight. I was like, ‘Is that Campo?’ and Erick was like, ‘I don’t know, maybe.’”

Witnesses then saw the tallest of the three friends throw the joint on the ground, stamp it out, and motion to the others to follow him down the walkway toward the science building.

“I’m not actually sure if the guy they saw was a Campus Security Officer,” said Steve Weidner, another of the friends. “When we were walking away I glanced over my shoulder a little bit and he didn’t really look like a Campo guy. He was wearing a backpack.”

Following the incident, the three students were spotting at late night in the Dining Hall, eating chicken patties.

SCRIBNER VILLAGE—This Sunday, for the first time all year, Macrury B resident Josh Friedberg made a meal to be shared with the three other residents of his house.

Friedberg, who is, according to anonymous sources, “a lazy piece of shit” who “never washes his dishes” and “leaves his dirty socks on all the fucking furniture” is rumored to be least helpful and least dependable member of the house.

Sources have also confirmed that Friedberg is a giant mooch who never has any money and takes three weeks to pay you back the ten dollars he borrowed for pizza. He has never so much as lifted a finger to help with any type of food preparation this year.

All that changed on Sunday.

Friedberg, in an unprecedented display of generosity, removed three hot dogs from their packaging and placed them in a frying pan on the stove for fifteen minutes while he watched SportsCenter in the next room.

“I can’t believe Josh made hot dogs,” said Pine C resident Sam Hines. “I’m not sure how we’re supposed to split three hot dogs between four people though. Does that mean everybody gets two thirds of a hot dog? Wait, that’s not right.”

The hot dogs were served, sans bun, in the lid of a Tupperware container.

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Hundreds of Skidmore students congregated on the campus green this Saturday for the school’s annual “Fun Day.”  The so-called “fun” activities that the student body engaged in included smoking on marijuana cigarettes, chugging on alcohol beers, and exposing their naked bodies.

There were no consequences.

After hearing about this blatant disregard of indecent exposure laws, several Saratoga residents expressed outrage.

“This is a disgrace,” said Saratoga resident Martin Patterson.  “Nudity is illegal.  These kids think that they can do whatever they want and get away with it.  They have no idea how tough it’s going to be in the real world, where taking off all of your clothes can result in getting fired from your job or ejected from your son’s little league game.”

Other residents called for action from the Saratoga Police Department, which was warned about the potential nudity, but stood idly by.

“What a joke,” said Saratoga resident Shirley Stewart.  “It’s against the rules to be naked on Main Street but in the Skidmore green anything goes.  The next time one of my children gets in trouble for getting naked in his second grade classroom  I’m going to remind them of this double standard they set.”

“These laws are in place for a reason,” said Saratoga resident John Borstein.  “They’re to protect the children.  Not that there are any children on the Skidmore campus.  Actually, I heard there were some children operating the bouncy castle.  Why weren’t they being protected?”

Borstein added, “This is conclusive proof that one hundred per cent of the nudity in the Saratoga area comes from the Skidmore campus.”

Skidmore sophomore Andrew Cantor, who is news editor of the student newspaper, witnessed some of the “Fun Day” nudity.

He did not endorse it.

“For a school with such a rich academic history, it’s disappointing to see,” Cantor said.  “Nudity is something that happens, but it should be confined to certain places, such as the shower, or—holy shit, look at that girl’s boobies!”

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Following the Philadelphia Phillies first World Series victory since 1980, a jubilant Skidmore student body gathered together on the quad last night to celebrate.

“It was amazing,” said Skidmore student and Philadelphia native Ben Giles. “What with Skidmore’s apathetic reputation and all, I never thought I would see so many people coming out to show this kind of support.”

The crowd grew larger and larger, breaking out sporadically into cheers and applause. Many of the students began to chant “Yes we can” repeatedly, an obvious reference to the Phillies’ critics who claimed that the top teams in the American League were far stronger than top teams in the National League.

“I never thought that I would see a National League team win the World Series in my lifetime,” said sophomore Meredith Carlton. “There’s so much anticipation and anxiety leading up to the World Series and the baseball season is so long that for it to finally be over, it just feels like a great weight has been lifted. It’s such an amazing feeling.”

Click to continue »