MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY—Sources have confirmed that awkward friend from high school, Josh Perkins, 20, has remained awkward despite completing almost five semesters at his college.
“I was kind of hoping that Josh would have grown out of his awkward phase by now,” said Peter Sarwer, another friend. “But nope. Same old Josh.”
During a gathering over Thanksgiving break, many of Perkins’ classic awkward tendencies were on display, including telling a female friend, Nicole Schwartz, 20, to “dump ‘em out” eleven minutes into the gathering.
“It’s ok,” he told reporters. “Nicole and I are very close. It’s an in-joke we have.”
“Who invited Josh?” Schwartz was heard saying. “That guy makes me really uncomfortable.”
“I was thinking that since Josh grew that patchy beard it meant that he was cool now,” said Lucas Frank, 21. “But I’m beginning to think maybe that’s not true.”
Perkins also made considerable effort to talk about a girl he had recently hooked up with.
“Ugh, I know what you mean,” he was heard telling Sarwer and Frank. “I was in bed with Annie and she was like ‘Can you get my bra off or not?’ and I was like ‘Can you give me a decent blowjob?’”
“I have no idea what he was talking about there,” Sarwer said. “Me and Lucas were just discussing The Social Network.”
“Also, what was that weird nasally giggle he was doing?” Sarwer added. “Is that a new thing? Is it possible that he’s getting worse?”
Perkins’ night culminated when he threw up after his third beer, just before midnight.
“He didn’t so much throw up as he kind of just coughed and a little something dribbled out,” Frank said. “Pretty standard Josh, I guess.”
Everyone remains optimistic that Perkins will have gotten it together by winter break.