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Local News: Guy Who Went to Your High School Totally Different in College

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

SKIDMORE COLLEGE — According to recent reports, that guy who went to your high school has changed drastically since arriving to college.

In addition to taking on a new nickname and cutting his hair, eyewitnesses claim that he is attempting to grow a beard and no longer wears clothes from Target. Allegedly, he has also started smoking cigarettes.

“Yeah, I’ve been smokin’ for a while now, addicted really,” he said, in between hacking coughs. “Gotta have that sweet nicotine burn.”

Despite claims to the contrary, you do not remember him being this way in high school, where he had greasy long hair and starred as Mr. Applegate in the school-wide production of Damn Yankees. 

Local News: Tasteless Halloween Costume Turns Heads

Monday, October 31st, 2011

SCRIBNER VILLAGE—Sources close to Mitchell Antonelli ’13, claim that the junior’s tasteless Halloween costume was “a big hit” at a Scribner party on Saturday night. Dressed as zombie Muammar Qaddafi, Antonelli was reportedly greeted at the door with shouts of recognition and uproarious laughter.

“That’s just classic Mitch,” said Steve Morton ’12. “He’s always pushing the limits of comedy and being a total goof about it.”

Morton later added that, while he thought that Antonelli’s Michael Vick costume from last year was edgy, zombie Qaddafi “really blew that one out of the water.”

Emily Schmidt ’13, was later overheard praising Antonelli’s costume ideas to a group of friends. “They’re always so topical and funny! How such a clever, witty guy remains single is totally beyond me.”

Antonelli, however, remained optimistic. “I think this is definitely going to be the year that the student population recognizes my comic genius,” he said. “I just know that girls will want to hook up with me when they see my hilarious costume.”

Local News: Environmental Miscomprehension Club Calls For More Things to Be Painted Green

Saturday, April 30th, 2011

SKIDMORE COLLEGE—The Environmental Miscomprehension Club called for action on Tuesday, staging a “Make Skidmore Green” rally in front of the Dining Hall.

“It’s time to Go Green!” said Club President Barton Clarke, addressing the club’s thirty or so members.  “Because green paint… lasts longer than other colors?  So we’d save money?  I’m not sure exactly, but it’s definitely good.”

“Green is pretty,” he added.

Clarke’s speech was met with cheers and applause from the rally’s attendees, who carried signs bearing messages such as, “Use Food From The Local In D-Hall,” “Avoid Leaving An Environmental Footprint By Not Stepping In Mud Or Wet Dirt,” and “Greenhouse Gases Probably Smell Weird.”

The EMC’s rally was followed by another rally by the Political Bewilderment Committee.

“No more blood for oil!” said Lucas Frank ’12, the committee’s chairperson.  “It just doesn’t make economic sense.  A gallon of blood is worth, like, fourteen hundred dollars or something.”

Local News: Reports Surface That Acting President Kress Not Born in Skidmore

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

SARATOGA SPRINGS—An increasingly large segment of the student body is making it known that they have serious doubts that Acting President Susan Kress is a legal citizen of Skidmore College.

“Many of us legitimately question whether or not President Kress was actually born here in Skidmore,” said Ben Peterson ’11. “In addition, I didn’t vote for her and I talked to a bunch of my friends and none of them voted for her either. It’s all very suspicious.”

“I doubt she’ll be president for long,” Peterson added.

“If she could just produce a birth certificate from Health Services, we would stop asking,” said Lucas Frank ’12. “I don’t see why that’s such a problem. Well actually, I do see why it’s a problem. It’s because she wasn’t born here. She’s not one of us.”

When asked to comment, Acting President Kress curtly attempted to dismiss the rumors, but failed to provide a direct answer to the question that is plaguing the minds of much of the Skidmore community.

“What are you talking about?” Kress was quoted as saying. “I wasn’t even born in this country. I’m from England.”

“Bloody hell,” she added.

Local News: Art Major to Minor in Business “Just in Case”

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

SKIDMORE COLLEGE—Sophomore Jessica Sassoon has a dream: to be a professional artist. But she is not impractical. Sassoon announced on Monday that she is hedging her bets by adding a business minor, so that if her art career fails to pan out she can always fall back on being a successful entrepreneur.

“Art is my life,” Sassoon told reporters. “I would love to one day have my sculptures displayed in galleries and sold at auctions throughout Europe and North America, but I know how competitive the art world is and how many talented artists never get recognized. So if I don’t make it I am definitely willing to settle for starting my own company or managing a hedge fund or something.”

Sassoon went on to explain that because the economy was doing so poorly, art sales were down, which was why she might have to turn to stock trading.

“Do I want to be an artist? Of course,” Sassoon said. “But I have no way of knowing if that will ever happen. It’s important to have realistic expectations for yourself.”

Local News: Party Busted for Games of Extremely Modest Consumption

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

NORTHWOODS—A party in a Northwoods apartment was broken up by Campus Safety Officers on Friday night after it was discovered that attendees were playing games that involved the consumption of very small, practically miniscule amounts of alcohol.

“Some kids were playing this game where they were throwing ping pong balls into shot glasses filled with what looked like light beer,” said Campus Safety Officer Karl Yardley. “The thing is, only like two of the shot glasses were empty. Did they not realize how hard it was going to be to get a ping pong ball into a shot glass?”

Witnesses reported that other games at the party included Edward Michelob Hands, Befriend Your Neighbor, and a version of Thumper where players who messed up had to sniff a bottle of whiskey.

“It wasn’t so much that they were breaking any significant rules,” Officer Yardley said. “We just felt like we needed to put the party out of its misery. It was too pathetic, like a dog that’s so old it doesn’t know how to walk and you have to take it out behind the shed and shoot it. It was really, really sad for all of us.”

“They weren’t even making that much noise,” Yardley added. “When something exciting happened they would golf clap.”

No citations were issued.

Local News: Girl Thinking About Getting Tattoo

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Skidmore College Sophomore Eva Busquet announced on Tuesday that she was seriously considering walking into town and getting a tattoo.

“It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while,” Busquet told a group of friends, none of whom had been aware of this previously unexpressed desire, despite having known Busquet for one and a half years. When pressed for details, Busquet revealed that she was going to get a dolphin, some flowers, or something on fire on either her shoulder or foot.

“Or maybe some words on my hip or something,” she added.

Busquet then wondered about the price of a tattoo and announced that if getting one was cost-prohibitive she “might just get something pierced instead.”

As of press time, Busquet had talked to her parents on the phone and was overheard asking suitemates about the closest location where hair dye was available for purchase.

Local News: Job Applicant with Sparse Resume Claims to Be “A Quick Learner”

Sunday, March 20th, 2011

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Skidmore College Senior Daniel Anastos recently revealed to a potential employer that, despite his lack of job experience, internships, or extracurricular activities, he has been blessed with the ability to quickly process information and gain knowledge from his mistakes, making him the ideal candidate for an entry level job in publishing, or marketing, or engineering, or really almost anything at all.

“Rest assured,” Anastos told interviewers. “I really am very bright, hardworking, and proficient, not to mention loyal. And even though I have yet to put any of these qualities to use in a practical sense, I am extremely confident that I will be able to perform the tasks required in any job that requires the performance of tasks. I can do it. Trust me.”

“Please,” he added. “Don’t make me move back into my parents’ house.”

This approach marks a significant improvement for Anastos since his last interview, when he told potential employers that he did not “really give a fuck about accounting” and that he was “just in it for the pussy.”

Local News: Forum on Current Campus Climate: “It’s Cold”

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

SKIDMORE COLLEGE—Students, professors, and campus administrators met together in Case Center on Tuesday to discuss the current campus climate, and, after very little debate, reached a conclusion.

“It’s pretty chilly on campus,” said SGA President Myka Bonfield, a spokesperson for the forum. “And there’s snow everywhere. I’m honestly not sure why we needed to have a whole big forum about this.”

The forum addressed questions such as, do you feel comfortable on campus, what would you like to see change, and do you know what the atmospheric pressure is outside of Penfield.

“The forum was great,” said junior Lucas Frank. “It gave me a chance to openly talk about issues that are important to me in a safe and comfortable environment. Specifically an environment where chunks of snow aren’t falling off trees and hitting me in the head. Basically I just want to complain about all the snow.”

The forum also decided that everyone should stop being racist.

Local News: Awkward High School Friend Still Awkward

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY—Sources have confirmed that awkward friend from high school, Josh Perkins, 20, has remained awkward despite completing almost five semesters at his college.

“I was kind of hoping that Josh would have grown out of his awkward phase by now,” said Peter Sarwer, another friend. “But nope. Same old Josh.”

During a gathering over Thanksgiving break, many of Perkins’ classic awkward tendencies were on display, including telling a female friend, Nicole Schwartz, 20, to “dump ‘em out” eleven minutes into the gathering.

“It’s ok,” he told reporters. “Nicole and I are very close. It’s an in-joke we have.”

“Who invited Josh?” Schwartz was heard saying. “That guy makes me really uncomfortable.”

“I was thinking that since Josh grew that patchy beard it meant that he was cool now,” said Lucas Frank, 21. “But I’m beginning to think maybe that’s not true.”

Perkins also made considerable effort to talk about a girl he had recently hooked up with.

“Ugh, I know what you mean,” he was heard telling Sarwer and Frank. “I was in bed with Annie and she was like ‘Can you get my bra off or not?’ and I was like ‘Can you give me a decent blowjob?’”

“I have no idea what he was talking about there,” Sarwer said. “Me and Lucas were just discussing The Social Network.”

“Also, what was that weird nasally giggle he was doing?” Sarwer added. “Is that a new thing? Is it possible that he’s getting worse?”

Perkins’ night culminated when he threw up after his third beer, just before midnight.

“He didn’t so much throw up as he kind of just coughed and a little something dribbled out,” Frank said. “Pretty standard Josh, I guess.”

Everyone remains optimistic that Perkins will have gotten it together by winter break.