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How to Be an Asshole: Library Edition

Monday, October 13th, 2014

Do your roommates  have a ton of work to do but no motivation to get out of their beds and turn off Netflix? Is it nine p.m. and all your friends have 6 page essays due in 12 hours? Lucky for you, you don’t have anything due this week. That being said, you’re probably super bored and looking for something fun to do. All the motivated people on campus are busy studying their brains out and there’s nothing you enjoy more than being a huge distraction. It’s time to hit the library!

We know you’re not studying.

When you walk into the library,

  • Have a really loud phone conversation about something nobody wants to hear about (the terrible sex you had last night, your bowel movements, and your friends’ gossip are good starting places).
  • Talk to your friends at the desk in your most obnoxious voice possible.
  • Complain to everyone you see that you have nothing to do and you’re really bored and you honestly wish you had homework to do.

At a personal desk,

  • Make sure to pull a Goldilocks and try out a couple different seats before choosing one. At each one, talk to the people next to you, move the chair up and down a few times, and type loudly on the computer.
  • Interrupt the person next to you to ask if you can borrow a pen. If they’re wearing headphones, feel free to just pull one out of their ear.
  • Put music on your iPod and pop your earbuds in, but turn your music up all the way so all the people around you can hear what great music taste you have.
  • Immediately get on Facebook and open every video you can find. Start playing them on the computer, but make sure not to plug your headphones in until after the videos have started. Apologize loudly for making so much noise.

While “studying,”

  • Keep your phone on your desk and text all your friends. Your phone will buzz on the table every time, making a shit ton of noise, but you won’t hear it since your music is so loud.
  • Slurp your coffee loudly. It’s really hot, so make sure to blow on it too.
  • Eat loud, smelly food. Great options include: apples, carrots, celery, Indian food, egg salad, tuna sandwich, potato chips (or Sunchips because those bags are the crinkliest).
  • Let all your friends know where you are so they can come visit you and distract everyone else around you. Better yet, tell your significant other to come see you so you can make out with him/her.
  • Cough into your hands and rub them all over the keyboard. Never use hand sanitizer or wash your hands (especially after going to the bathroom).

At a group study table,

  • Claim a table entirely for yourself. Spread your things out all over it.
  • Leave all your stuff there and go to D-Hall. Leave a sign saying the table is reserved. Stay away from the library for a good few hours.

On the third floor,

  • Sneeze.
  • Make any noise at all.
  • Open your computer and let it make the turn on noise.
  • Glare at everyone who passes you to let them know you take the third floor seriously.

When printing,

  • Never print fewer than fifty pages at a time.
  • Always print in the ten minutes between class when everyone else is just trying to print their essays to turn in.
  • Use all the staples and don’t tell anyone.
  • Jam the printer and sneak away without letting anyone know it’s broken.

There you have it, friends – the best ways to be an asshole in the library! If this list isn’t extensive enough for you, feel free to come up with more creative things. After all, creative thought–oh, fuck it.

Weekend Distractions CXV

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

12:00pm- Library Informance @ Scribner Library
5:00pm- Student Composition Readings @ Helen Filene Ladd Hall
6:30pm- Bonfire, Fire Work, and Pulse Performance @ The Pond
6:30pm-8:30pm- Valentine’s Day Card Making @ The Tang
8:00pm- Swanky Swing Night @ Falstaffs
7:00-9:00pm- Poetry Slam @ Northshire Bookstore

All Day- Valentine’s Day
3:00pm- 7:00pm- Carnival, Mechanical Bull, and Obstacle Course @ Case Center
7:00pm- Sex Toy Bingo @ Emerson Auditorium
8:00pm- Carnegie Hall Premieres: A Concert by Ensemble ACJW @ Zankel
10:30pm- Dance @ Falstaff’s

6:00pm- Winter/Spring Exhibition Opening @ The Tang
8:00pm- All Inclusive Clubs Performance @ Filene Music Hall
9:30pm- Sam Kininger Band w/ Bo Peep and The Funk Sheep @ Putnam Den (fbook)

2:00pm- Experiencing the Legacy of Merce Cunningham @ Tang (fbook)

Missing something? Let us know in the comments

L’ibservateur Brings Sophisticated Parisian Commentary to Library

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Check out this irreverent little treat that popped up in the library today.

Excited to see a second issue of L’ibservateur. I hear there’s a harrowing, three-part series on the as-yet-unsolved case of the Media Viewing Room Masturbator.

Library Book Sale

Friday, October 19th, 2012


Get excited, humanities majors, because tomorrow is the annual Library Book Sale. It’s kind of like the book sales you used to look forward to in elementary school, but instead of Dav Pilkey and picture books, it’s Jacques Derrida and longwinded novels about people contemplating shit.

All proceeds will go to the the Patricia A. Weller Prize, awarded to the best student worker in the library. Second place is a set of steak knives; third place is you’re fired.

Saturday October 19, 9am—3pm @ Library

I Agree With….

Saturday, December 4th, 2010


Call For Submissions

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010


Works in ALL media will be accepted. For more information and downloadable applications visit the Library’s exhibits page or contact Fine Arts Librarian Yvette Cortes.