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Local News: Art Major to Minor in Business “Just in Case”

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

SKIDMORE COLLEGE—Sophomore Jessica Sassoon has a dream: to be a professional artist. But she is not impractical. Sassoon announced on Monday that she is hedging her bets by adding a business minor, so that if her art career fails to pan out she can always fall back on being a successful entrepreneur.

“Art is my life,” Sassoon told reporters. “I would love to one day have my sculptures displayed in galleries and sold at auctions throughout Europe and North America, but I know how competitive the art world is and how many talented artists never get recognized. So if I don’t make it I am definitely willing to settle for starting my own company or managing a hedge fund or something.”

Sassoon went on to explain that because the economy was doing so poorly, art sales were down, which was why she might have to turn to stock trading.

“Do I want to be an artist? Of course,” Sassoon said. “But I have no way of knowing if that will ever happen. It’s important to have realistic expectations for yourself.”

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Responses »
Tags: Humor, Majors, Satire

Local News: Party Busted for Games of Extremely Modest Consumption

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

NORTHWOODS—A party in a Northwoods apartment was broken up by Campus Safety Officers on Friday night after it was discovered that attendees were playing games that involved the consumption of very small, practically miniscule amounts of alcohol.

“Some kids were playing this game where they were throwing ping pong balls into shot glasses filled with what looked like light beer,” said Campus Safety Officer Karl Yardley. “The thing is, only like two of the shot glasses were empty. Did they not realize how hard it was going to be to get a ping pong ball into a shot glass?”

Witnesses reported that other games at the party included Edward Michelob Hands, Befriend Your Neighbor, and a version of Thumper where players who messed up had to sniff a bottle of whiskey.

“It wasn’t so much that they were breaking any significant rules,” Officer Yardley said. “We just felt like we needed to put the party out of its misery. It was too pathetic, like a dog that’s so old it doesn’t know how to walk and you have to take it out behind the shed and shoot it. It was really, really sad for all of us.”

“They weren’t even making that much noise,” Yardley added. “When something exciting happened they would golf clap.”

No citations were issued.

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Tags: Games of Mass Consumption, Humor, Satire

Appleman and Balevic: An Interview on Tardiness

Monday, March 16th, 2009

As you know the time’s are tough, and so is making it to class. Here Willy Appleman ’09 interviewed management and business professor Betty Balevic on how she deals with students who can’t seem to make it to class by the time it’s supposed to start. Apparently she’s been at Skidmore for quite sometime, so she has ample experience in dealing with punctuality and all of its perpetrators.

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Tags: Appleman, Humor, Interview

Student Interrupts Professor’s Tangential Story with Semi-Related, Even More Tangential Story

Friday, September 26th, 2008

SARATOGA SPRINGS—A new precedent was set today in tangential story-telling, when a History Professor’s boring, off-topic tale of a time he got lost in a Circuit City was interrupted by a student’s even more boring tale, which also had something to do with Circuit City.

“Professor Dougal was talking about the fall of the Roman Empire and said something about the Roman Empire getting too big, and then he made a joke about how if the Emperor tried to find his way around it, he would have gotten lost,” said senior Danielle Gomez. “Then all of a sudden, he got this wry smile on his face and just launched into this whole story about one time when he was eight and he got lost in a Circuit City.”

Although it has been reported that Professor Dougal does this sort of thing two or three times per class meeting, what happened next was truly extraordinary.

“Then this girl who sits behind me raises her hand,” Gomez said. “I thought she was going to say something to get us back on track, but instead she started telling a story about a time she saw two men fighting over a shopping cart outside of a Circuit City in her home town. It was crazy!”
Click to continue »

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Tags: Class, Humor, Satire

Panini Machine Malfunction: Students Outraged

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Skidmore College is a school renowned for its rigor and prestige, but most notably its Dining Services. More specifically, the Murray-Aikins Dining Hall’s Panini machine. Easily the most attractive aspect of the college, the Panini machine grills sandwiches and wraps to gooey, melted perfection. For years, students fled to the Deli when everything else available for consumption was mediocre. It was a place where students could get a nice wrap or deli sandwich, with chips and/or a pickle, and up until several days ago, the option of having the sandwiches and wraps grilled—the cornerstone of the Deli’s popularity.

The Panini machine now sits closed. The sad site of the defunct machine has caused much distress among students. “When are they gonna fix that fucking thing?” asked one student, who elaborated that “One of the main reasons I came to Skidmore was for the deli quality grilled sandwiches and wraps advertised so elaborately in the School brochure. Now, to be quite frank, I might have to transfer.”

Skidmore boasts a 94% returning freshman rate, but if the machine is not fixed soon, the school can expect a dramatic plummet in this very coveted statistic.

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Tags: Dining Hall, Humor, Sandwiches, Satire

Guy Has Average Time at Girl Talk Concert

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

After a recent performance by musical mash-up artist Gregg Gillis, more commonly known by his stage name “Girl Talk”, one student reported that the concert was an overall pleasurable experience.

“Yeah, I had a decent time,” said sophomore Andrew Rosen. “I thought the music was pretty cool, and I had fun dancing.”

“I like the whole mash-up thing,” Rosen elaborated. “I hadn’t really heard of it before, but I think it’s a good idea. I might even go to my local record store and buy a few of his CDs.”

Rosen admits to attending the show in a slightly altered state, albeit very slightly.

“I had a couple beers with some friends before the show,” Rosen said. “I was going to have more, maybe like three or four, but I drank the second beer a little too quickly and became somewhat queasy.” Click to continue »

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Tags: Concerts, Girl Talk, Humor, Satire

New D-Hall Cups Cause Student Unrest

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

As many students have already noticed, the Skidmore Dining Services took an unprecedented step in thievery control this year, introducing a new line of D-Hall cups. These cups, while the same as last year’s cups in appearance, are made of a material that is a compound of super-glue, and used chewing gum, unlike last year’s cups, which were made out of plastic.

“Last year, kids would steal all our cups and take them down to their Scribner houses, where they would melt them down and use the melted plastic to make furniture and art projects and other things of that nature,” said Food Services Head Supervisor Jeff Jepson. “At least, we think that’s what happened to them. Where else would all our cups have gone? Also, can somebody tell me what a Scribner House actually is?”

The new cups have been deemed less than satisfactory by a large percentage of the student population, due to their sticky nature.

“They fucking stick together,” said junior Willy Clinton. “All of them. Every time I go to get a cup, I get eight. What the shit is this? I shouldn’t have to play a fucking game of tug-o-war every time I want some apple juice.”

Other students have echoed Willy’s sentiments.

“These cups are the worst thing to happen to Skidmore ever,” said sophomore Jennifer McFitty. “Even worse than that girl who died in a fire in Wilmarth, and they’ve been talking about her for thirty years.”

Jepson, however, seems to be oblivious to the unpopularity of the new cups.

“We’re really happy about the new cups, especially since nobody has stolen any yet,” said Jepson. “Which is actually good, because if somebody steals one cup they’re going to end up stealing all the cups because they all stick together.”

The D-Hall has no plans to replace the cups in the near future.

“This is the best thing we’ve ever done,” said Jepson. “Next year we’re thinking of getting a new line of forks made entirely out of marshmallows.”

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Response »
Tags: Cups, Dining Hall, Humor, Satire

Just Because I had Mexican Food for Dinner Doesn’t Mean I’m Pregnant

Friday, September 12th, 2008

Since its early days, Skidmore has maintained a strong focus on training health professionals. As a school once noted for its prestigious nursing program, Skidmore’s Health Services continues to set the bar high in medical expertise. Perhaps walking into their office in the first floor of Jonsson is enough to remind us all how lucky we truly are.

If you are of the female persuasion then you probably know that walking into Health Services and complaining of a stomach ache does not get you the much needed Pepto-Bismol, nor the cure-all-stomach-problem drug Imodium. Instead, you are referred a pregnancy test: just in case. Sexually active or not, you college girls are probably pregnant.

Along with evolutionary advancements such as increasing height, and the diminishing size of our vestigial pinky toe, it may seem that our reproductive system has evolved such that our seed is transmissible through the air of liberal arts colleges. Apparently, the common cold may not be the only thing you catch when your significant other, peer tutor, or roommate’s weird friend coughs on you. I urge all of you, male and female alike, to go and get tested. Even if it’s not for pregnancy, I’m sure all of you have some ailment that I don’t want, especially with that Avian Bird Flu on the horizon.

I’m sure Health Services would be happy to help you with:

General Care for illness/injury
General Lab testing
Physical Exams for health maintenance
Women’s health/gynecological exams
Evaluation, testing, treatment (when possible) of STD’s
HIV / AIDS information, counseling, testing, and support
Alcohol/drug information, education, counseling and referral
Sexual assault/sexual harassment information, prevention, education, counseling and support
Smoking cessation information, education, and support
Diversity information, education and support
Resources for health/illness/wellness related topics/issues for articles, papers, etc.
Appointments can be made by the Health Center staff with community specialists, e.g. dentists, physical therapists, etc. when ordered by a health care provider.

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Tags: Health, Health Services, Humor, Student Life

Review: Beer in College, Even @ Skidmore

Friday, September 12th, 2008

If there is one thing that movies have taught us it is that college = beer. Of course, we as students know that this is an incomplete equation. While beer is a large part of college, there are many other factors that define our pre-real world experience, such as sleeping and being broke. With this in mind, I propose a new formula, which I have named “Jeremiah’s Formula”. It is as follows:

College = really cheap beer

I have also taken the time to review a few of this season’s most popular really cheap beers, in order to help connoisseurs and amateurs alike in selecting the best brews for the right occasions. Enjoy!

Keystone (2007) 15/20: A well-crafted and perky brew, with hints of vanilla, toasted oak, and water. On the palate, this beer is lively and round, but it lacks the body to truly stand out among its peers. Best served heated to room temperature and ingested through a plastic tube.

Busch (2008) 13/20: A uniquely complex beer, its richness hits your nose like a fistful of kalamata olives. It is a true product of the St. Louis region, its flavor a hybrid of leather and fresh fig, giving way to a subtle goat cheese note. Although distinctive and full, the finish is dry and lingers slightly.

Coors Light (1999) 11/20: Despite a satiny texture and tingly acidity, this Colorado blend of grapefruit, maple syrup and desperation—finely aged in the back of the fridge at the Getty—may be past its prime. Try it with a nice filet mignon, or in a solo cup with a twist of dirty ping-pong ball.

Olde English 40oz. (2005) 19/20: A true classic of the hood region, this aromatic brew is matured to perfection, with an ample bouquet of shame, candied chestnut, and spring flowers infused with golden delicious apple and thug. Try taking two bottles (very affordable) and duct-taping them to your hands.

Natural Ice (2008) 8/20: Although not without potential, this brew will not reach its peak for another five-seven years. It offers an intriguing juxtaposition of orange blossom, cigarette smoke, and black pepper, but fails to deliver with a texture that lacks viscosity. A berry-rich, mid-palate edge stands out when sampled through a hole in the can your buddy Kyle made with his room key.

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Tags: Alcohol, Beer, Humor, Satire