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What Your Yankee Mother Never Told You

Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
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This could be you

 

Skidmore Unofficial Presents: What Your Yankee Mother Never Told You (A Go-To Guide for Skidmore Girls)

Four score and seven years ago your Mom and Dad (Mom and Mom, Dad and Dad, etc.) dropped you off, kissed you on the forehead, and drove away six speeds to the wind back to New Jersey (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, they’re having an amazing time without you). (There’s also a seventy-eight percent chance they’re having sex on your childhood bed right now).

Meanwhile, you are either the coolest person on campus or you’re sitting on a rock outside of Kimball crying on the phone to your BFF Jill from UMass Amherst. You may even be thinking of throwing yourself off Jonsson/Johnson Tower (I’ve been there) (don’t do it).

Whether you’re disenchanted, riddled with insecurity, or experiencing complete euphoria, below is some advice/wisdom/stupidity. Take it or don’t, it’s not like I talk to people born after 1995 anyway.

Roommates (ugh)

If you like your roommates, congratulations. I’d rather live in a fucking Halfway House than share a 10′-7″ x 19′-10″ room with two eighteen-year-old women. My friend from Bard’s roommate took a shit on her bed freshman year and she’s never been the same.

Insularity

I can promise you it’s super lame if you’re still hanging with your high school friends Hudson and Jemma from Packer Collegiate Institute or whatever two point five years into being here.

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Reminder: We Offer Guidance

Monday, August 11th, 2014

There’s no time like the month preceding the start of fall semester to remind you all of the best part of this website’s lifespan: the guides. Because what is the Internet if not just a bunch of recycled content, anyway? If you’re an incoming freshman first-year, consider this your introduction of Skidmore Unofficial and what we’re all about. And if you’re a prospective student/applicant, this is most likely the website you’re looking for, so you’d best get off this one while the going’s good.

The comments on this page are fucking golden.

The comments on this page are fucking golden.

Also, we felt a little queezy about having the latest post be about the rape-y campo officer, so we thought it might be time for a new post. (We also feel a little queezy about the lack of information on this college-related issue, but that’s a post for another day.) Anyway, we saved you the trouble of having to drag your pointer to the top-right corner of the page and have just compiled all the links here. Enjoy!

Guide to Freshman Orientation: If freshman orientation is an ocean of debilitating social displacement, painfully forced conversation, and overwhelming sexual attraction to someone that statistics suggest will be in a relationship from high school that won’t last into Thanksgiving break (hint: it’s all of these things), then consider this your compass.

Guide to Saratoga Springs: Anything and everything you need to know while voyaging the streets of Broadway with your hordes of new friends and trying to figure out the most polite way to tell that one kid to shut the fuck up about all the partying he did in high school.

Guide to Binge Drinking: Anything and everything you need to know about getting drunk enough to conjure the courage to tell that one kid to shut the fuck up about all the partying he did in high school. In hindsight, I really wish I had this information a while ago, because then maybe I could have actually had something to contribute at parties instead of having the most forgettable presence at every Bloomfield rager. (Just kidding. Who the fuck goes to Bloomfield these days? That shit is narsty.)

To all the incoming first-years doing a pre-orientation program: have fun, be bold, and keep in mind that your pre-or leaders will all seem a whole lot less cool and attractive come midterms. To all the incoming first-years not doing a pre-orientation: don’t worry about your 150 classmates who did pre-or and seem to be about five paces ahead of you socially. Most of those friends circles will probably have dissolved within a couple weeks. And to everyone: everything will be fine, and you won’t fuck up any worse than the rest of us.