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Comfest 2017: Drunk, High, Sober Review

Sunday, March 5th, 2017

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Hey daddies! Everyone remember Comfest from a few weeks ago? We do because we had a BLAST at that shindig. Funny is the new sexy, at least that’s what I tell myself. Anyway, The National College Comedy Festival is the biggest and awesomest college comedy festival in existence featuring student groups from around the country as well as really cool professional acts.

We sent three of our debauched writers to the first student show of Comfest under different states of inebriation to see what they thought. Please enjoy our drunk, high and sober review of Comfest. Comedians if you read this, sorry we did this to you. We respect your craft.

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First up on the roster, our resident alcoholic. Apparently there is no food or drink allowed in the theater but you’ll be glad to know our writer got fully away with it. Good luck with that in the future.

DRUNK

Time for comedy
Broccoli…why
I need to be more drunk for this
Is Jared Klein watching me
Don’t see the beard and weird cap so think I’m all good
Are bean boots part of their team uniform
Why is there so much fruit

I’m just so confused
I think I missed the premise of this so I’m confused
Why is this young man is yelling 80s songs at me
Tom and Jerry gay couple? I COULD BE INTO THAT
Man dropping the table during intermission
Highlight of my night
Now table I can get into
Did he just say vulva? You have my attention

I HAVE A CLASS WITH THAT KID IN THE BLACK SHIRT
They are all wearing black I am drunk
The wheelchair no absolutely not wow yes
That boy is so bendy
I wish the music was louder so I can truly jam
Omg property brothers that’s my shiiiiiiiit
Donald Glover DID win the Emmy
I don’t believe!! They’re brainwashing me!
This director sketch. Yep they’re definitely brainwashing me
I knew they would brainwash me at some point

These kids are legit!!! They’re wearing diapers!!!
CHEESE??! Officially the best group

Since when do men go to Sarah Lawrence?
I thought this was supposed to be about Los Angeles
Wow v acrobatic

So confused by their voices
Is that ok?
BENDY BOY IS BACK
Yeah no forreal this tall beautiful girl has a weird voice
Boy byyyeeee

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Is this fun yet? I’m having fun, although I don’t feel like I know what happened at Comfest yet. Let’s try again with our high flyer.

 HIGH

Hi everyone and also hi me I will read this later
And also high me lol
Ready for some laughs
This is very crowded I feel crowded
Improvvv they make it up as they go along and THAT is fly
Tall blonde is so tall how tall are you boy
BOOTS BOOTS BOOTS
Stompy boots
I have to pee already
Siiinnngggiiinng. I thought this was comedy I did NOT expect singing
80s MUSIC IS THE BEST MUSIC
This is funny funny funny I am laughing now
SKETCHIEEEZZZZ SKIDMORE YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS GO TEAM
Work those butts skinny boys
Bruno Mars used for a good cause
Twins are not saying the same things that is the joke I get it now someone explained it to me
GOD! HELLO GOD ITS ME IM HERE TOO
People are yelling I am scared
Dicks why too many dicks on the dance flooorrr
This skit is crazy what is happening am I losing it
DIAPERS
LITTLE BABY COMEDIANS AND COMEDIENNES
CHEEEEEEEESSSSSEEEEEE
Omg cheese
Hot legs everywhere
Why aren’t my legs this hot
Tall bill was my father’s name
Girl is wearing a formal jacket with just a diaper aka life goals
MORE CHEESE ARE YOU KIDDING
Since when do men go to Sarah Lawrence
Boys in green sweaters are better than boys not in green sweaters
YOU CAN’T SAY SHIT ON TV
THIS BOY ROCKS MY SOCKS IM NOT WEARING SOCKS
I forgot this was improv for a minute
Bad sketch. Good improv
I want to make stuff up
ORAL SEX JOKES LOL
The world needs more oral sex. Sex for everyone
Ok more Skidmore I’m ready
I want this girl’s hair
Not on my head just to have and to hold
SANTAA CHRISTMAS
Poetry is so weird
This is going on too long or I’m high
I think saw this same boy earlier. Where are you from funny boy
I want the cheese back
MORE CHEESE PLEASE
Ok it’s over im going to go get some cheese

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In case you were wondering, she did not get any cheese. And also Sargento was recalled the next day so whoever did get cheese, please let us know if you r ok. Finally, our sober reviewer, sorry that we made you do this.

 SOBER

BEGINNING THOUGHTS:
It’s actually very cool that our school does this
I thought everyone here was too clinically depressed and/or high to be funny
I seem to be sitting near the comedy kids section. Everyone is doing a bit.
Too many bits

THE WHISTLING SHRIMP:
Improv is the cause of my crippling anxiety
This boy in the green shirt looks like the PC from those Apple commercials
These people are all very loud but funny
The girls are the funniest. The feminist in me is pleased but still angry about the patriarchy

CHOCOLATE CAKE CITY:
Where is Emerson
I need to know what that boy puts in his hair
They’re all wearing plaid. I’m guessing this means Emerson is somewhere in the North East
Love Shack is a GREAT song and I will never admit otherwise
I would invest in this singing boy. He’s going places.

THE SKETCHIES:
People are very excited. This is the most school spirit I have ever seen
Way to go Skidmore, you apathetic nerds
No divorce, abortion, or suicide jokes yet. But this is only the first sketch
Dancing boy in the apron is the most excited person I have ever seen
Chanting really will excite any audience. Smart Sketchies
Haha. Dicks.
It’s funny because it’s true! Avant garde theater DOES suck!

LUNCHBOX:
Are they wearing diapers for no reason or did I miss something
None of these kids skip leg day. Surprising for comedy nerds. Well done
I’m naming my next pet Tall Bill. Very catchy
I think I have seen this sketch on SNL
Note to self: people love free cheese

FERAL CHRISTINE:
Since when do men go to Sarah Lawrence?
This guy is really about bowling. Live your truth, man
Haha. Boys having sex!
I’m really sorry, I had to go to the bathroom at this point.
I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say this was HILARIOUS

AWKWARD KIDS TALKING:
More Skidmore! Are we a bit narcissistic? The audience is thrilled anyway
Some of these kids are very awkward but some are not. I feel misled
This boy coming up with rhymes on the spot is very impressive. I am not good at poetry
I want to know where this girl got her mom jeans. Mom jeans are still in, right?
Tall girl really likes to be on the floor

END THOUGHTS:
Generally glad I went to this
Generally un-glad that I had to be the sober one
Generally attracted to the 3 MCs/Producers. Anyone got their phone numbers? Lmk

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Thanks guys! What a journey we all went on together. I learned that at Comfest, there’s a lot of skinny boys and dancing and sometimes there’s free cheese. I will definitely be going back next year. A+ comedy nerds.

 

Weekend Distractions CXXXXIII

Wednesday, March 1st, 2017

THURSDAY: 

5:30pm – Janine Antoni and Stephen Petronio Talk @ Tang
7:00pm – Social Justice Month Kickoff @ Spa
8:00pm – Fragments @ JKB
8:30pm – Lively Lucy Open Mic (Pride Co-sponsoring) @ Falstaffs

FRIDAY:

1:00pm – Call Your Reps @ Atrium & Case 2nd Floor
8:00pm – Fragments @ JKB
8:00pm – Full Metal Racket Show @ Putnam Den
9:00pm – Breakbeats & Trebelmakers @ Filene

SATURDAY:

11:00am – Immigration, Borders, and Executive Orders: NY6 Panel Discussion @ Davis
7:00pm – Ja Rule @ Upstate Concert Hall
8:00pm – Fragments @ JKB
9:30pm – Pulse @ Davis
10:00pm – Bandersnatchers & Dynamics @ Chapel

SUNDAY:

12:00pm – Juried Student Exhibition (Last Day) @ Schick
2:00pm – Fragments @ JKB
2:00pm – Banyu Wali Concert and Reception @ Tang
8:00pm – Small Jazz Ensemble @ Falstaffs

Missing something? Let us know in the replies!

Weekend Distractions CXXXXI

Thursday, February 9th, 2017

THURSDAY:

5:00pm – “What in God’s Name? Religion and Politics in the 2016 Presidential Election” @ Palamountain
5:00pm – Soundmind @ Tang
5:30pm – Art and the Brain @ Filene (Canceled – will be rescheduled)
6:00pm – Middle East Documentary Series @ Spa
6:30pm – Upstate Collage Night @ Tang (postponed until Thursday, February 23, 6:30)

FRIDAY:

12:00pm – Call Your Legislators Calling Party @ Spa
6:00pm – Big Green Scream @ Williamson Sports Center
7:00pm – Comfest @ JKB
8:00pm – Bartók Series: New Orford String Quartet @ Zankel
10:00pm – Black History Month Open Mic Night
10:30pm – Saratoga Sixteen and Hip Hop Showcase @ Tang

SATURDAY:

10:00am – Skidmore Alpine Ski Carnival @ Gore
5:00pm – Wind Festival Chamber Ensembles @ Zankel
7:00pm – Yuanxiao Festival Celebration @ ICC
7:00pm – Comfest @ JKB
8:00pm – New York Woodwind Quintet @ Zankel

SUNDAY:

10:00am – Skidmore Alpine Ski Carnival @ Gore
2:00pm – Wind Festival Concert Band @ Zankel

Missing something? Let us know in the replies!

Skidmore’s Guide to Super Bowl LI

Sunday, February 5th, 2017

mmmmm intimate
Let me get this straight, you go to Skidmore, you clicked on a SkidUnoffical link, and you chose a sports(ish) article?

You’re either really trying to impress that guy you met downtown who had the name of that team on a hat, you put your daddy’s fat stack of cash on the big game, or you’re horribly lost and confused. In that case, close the computer, spin around three times for good luck, lay down, dry-hump the floor, open your computer, and keep reading you brainwashed fuck.

If you haven’t heard, the dirty birds are taking on Brady and the boys this Sunday to compete for America’s ultimate prize; a chance to say “I’m going to Disney world” on live TV right after cracking skulls for five hours or however long that shit lasts.

In between all the chaos Lady Gaga will be performing the halftime show, which will give you the opportunity to actually recognize something on the screen for the first time in hours.

The game starts at 6:30 which should give you ample time to procrastinate all of your work and, finally, get blackout on a Sunday night for a sporting event you probably don’t give a shit about.

Whatever you do, don’t be that person at the party who is “just here for the commercials.” You’re not fooling anyone. 

For those of you still trying to figure out who to root for, consider this.

Reasons to root for the New England Patriots:

1. You’re from Boston or surrounding areas
2. A list has to have at least two things on it

Reasons to root for the Falcons:

1. You’re from Atlanta (but none of you are)
2. They’re the underdog and we like that, right?
3. They’ve never won a super bowl
4. They’re not the Patriots.
5. They play in a dome…that’s cool?
6. DOPE mascot

Reasons to root against the Patriots:

1. Brady and Trump are BFF’s
2. Coach Belicheck and Trump are BFF’s
3. Patriots Owner Robert Kraft and Trump are BFF’s
4. Do I really have to keep going?
5. Yes I do
6. Nevermind I don’t.
7. I think you get the picture
8. Ps deflategate
9. And also more cheating
10. Kthxbye

Reasons to root against the Falcons

1. You voted for trump.
2. You shouldn’t.

Enjoy the game!

WE BACK

Wednesday, February 1st, 2017

What’s up daddies and children of daddies. Have you ever read The New York Times and thought, “Okay, but I wish this pertained to me specifically.”
Well look no further, dear and valued reader. It’s us, your past, present, and future favorite news source: Skidmore Unofficial. Due to a brief hiatus, you are either too senile to remember us or too young to know who we are. Our noble mission is to bring you, the skidmore student, the fun, sexy scoop on everything (and we mean everything) going on on and near our beautiful, fugly campus. This coverage is including but not limited to: concerts, club performances, speakers, open mics, comedy, campus events, sporting events, and whatever else we think you delicious skanks desperately need to know about. We pledge to maintain the highest journalistic and moral integrity while reserving the right to goof. Read to keep up with campus goings-ons, read to tell your friends that you read something today, or read because we seem like we might secretly be cute and you want to have a talking point if you ever meet us around campus.

Active Minds Panel

Monday, February 25th, 2013

Active Minds is a new club dedicated to raising awareness and confronting mental health issues on campus, and they’re holding their first event on Wednesday.

The event is an open panel for people struggling with stress and mental illness, and will feature Andrew Molteni, a clinical psychologist in Skidmore’s Psych Department; the director of Skidmore’s Counseling Center; and various student representatives  with experiences dealing with various mental health issues.

There will also be “baked goods” which could really mean anything. Delicious homemade cookies or a box of fucking Entenmann’s, who knows?

Wednesday February 27, 7pm @ Emerson

(via Facebook)

Active Minds Interest Meeting Tonight

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

Active Minds is a national non-profit dedicated to raising awareness of mental health issues on college campuses, and a few intrepid students are looking to start a chapter here at Skidmore. According to their PR thing, Active Minds chapters “raise mental health awareness, promote positive mental health, educate their peers about the signs and symptoms of mental health disorders and encourage students to reach out for help when needed.”

This is pretty important stuff, given the shameful lack of attention paid to student mental health here at Skidmore, despite a 50% increase in demand for appointments with the Counseling Center in the last few years.

Email stugendr@skidmore.edu for more questions. We’re all neurotic clowns up here anyway.

Wednesday January 30, 7pm @ Ladd 206 

Brace Yourselves for the Club Fair

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

THRILLED TO BE HERE

Tomorrow is the Club Fair, your chance to feign interest in your peers’ interests and maybe see a horse take a dump or something. It’s pretty much the same every semester, but this time it’s been moved to the second floor of D-Hall for some reason.

Once again, I urge you all to sign up a friend (or Stephen Yell) for as many clubs as possible. Anime Club? Why the fuck not! Model EU? Sure! The possibilities are limitless.

Friday January 25, 3-5pm @ D-Hall second floor

Beatlemore Auditions

Friday, September 28th, 2012

Skidmore’s favorite tradition of listening to Beatles covers and Gordon Thompson talking is just around the corner, and the organizers will be accepting video auditions from any and all student bands starting next week, from October 1-10. All you have to do is email beatlemore@skidmore.edu for more info.

Beatlemore is a good excuse to “put yourself out there” and impress your peers with your free jazz interpretation of “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” For example, indie-folk darlings Bailiwick made their worldwide debut at Beatlemore 2009 and went on to conquer the hearts of the greater Saratoga region. Could be you!

WSPN Big Meeting Tonight

Sunday, September 16th, 2012

Barack Obama tunes in

The WSPN big meeting will be held tonight in Gannett. All interested DJs must attend the meeting, or email the lovely GM Annie Auchincloss for an application if you have fallen into a punji stick-lined pit and are thus unable to make it. You will learn important things like the on-air swearing policy (don’t do it EVER) and how to fix a busted transmitter (tearfully call Brendan Gaffney at grad school).

WSPN is the club with by far the highest levels of coolness per capita, so when you fill out your app, make sure you write all about how important Chief Keef and Riff Raff are to the future of hip hop so that the programmer Mac Parsons gives you a good time slot. Otherwise, good luck at 4am!

Sunday, September 16 in Gannett @ 8pm