Ww

Watertower:
Deep in the bowels of Northwoods there is a magical white tower covered in graffiti and surrounded by the broken bodies of long-ago sacrificed 40ozs. If you, or someone you know, likes to eat mushrooms and stare at colorful things and talk about how “everything is connected” you should check it out. There is also a ladder that hangs just out of reach. Don’t even bother trying to climb the tower because you will just look foolish and probably scrape your knee or something.

Winter:
Surprise!!! Winter starts in three weeks. Skidmore totally tricked you guys into thinking the campus is always beautiful by carefully scheduling prospective student weekends in the spring and fall but the truth is campus actually resembles a dirtier version of that ice planet from the second Star Wars for most of the year. Deadly ice patches pop up out of nowhere, cigarette breaks start to require wardrobe changes and everyone wraps themselves in androgenizing gore-tex cocoons. Yay.

Runners Up: Weird Kids, Work, Woodlawn, WSPN, Wishing You Went To Wesleyan, Westchester County, “What’s Your Major?”

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Qq

Quad:
Yes, there is a quad. Yes, people hang out on it and play guitar and smoke marijuana cigarettes and throw frisbees. Put your shirt back on and get over it. It’s only warm enough for one month out of the school year anyway. When it snows make sure to build snowman or whatever you idiots do.

Runners Up: Questions (People Who Ask Too Many in Class)

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Ll

Library:
The library is a good place to have sex. Also, there’s some books and stuff.

Runners Up: London Freshmen, Loneliness, Lucy Scribner

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Gg

Glotzbach:
The king of Skidmore is named Phil Glotzbach. Nobody is quite sure who he is, but rumor has it he is a giant with a long, flowing beard who lives at the top of the tallest tower in all of Saratoga (Jonsson Tower). Now that you go to Skidmore, it is your responsibility to make jokes about Glotzbach. “Does anyone know where the art building is?” “I don’t know, why don’t we ask Glotzbach?” Ha ha ha. People say that if you are really lucky you can spot Glotzbach eating lunch near Emily’s Garden, but this is just a myth. Sometimes Glotzbach will send you emails that you don’t read. Sometimes Glotzbach will give speeches that you don’t attend.

Runners Up: Guest Lecturers, Getty, Garbage Rooms, Gazebo

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Hey, Freshmen,

We wrote you an orientation guide to help you slide smoothly into the world of post-adolescent responsibility.  Before you read it, make sure you play a name game or two.  Get it?  You probably had to play so many name games this week.  Ha ha!

Anyway, we hope this helps you get even more oriented and we hope you have fun at Skidmore. Tomorrow is the first day of classes so make sure to sharpen your pencils and wear your fancy clothes because if you don’t present yourself as a well-dressed and academically serious student from the get-go you will remain lonely until the day you graduate and be socially under-prepared for the rest of your life.

Enjoy! Click to continue »