As many students have already noticed, the Skidmore Dining Services took an unprecedented step in thievery control this year, introducing a new line of D-Hall cups.  These cups, while the same as last year’s cups in appearance, are made of a material that is a compound of super-glue, and used chewing gum, unlike last year’s cups, which were made out of plastic.

“Last year, kids would steal all our cups and take them down to their Scribner houses, where they would melt them down and use the melted plastic to make furniture and art projects and other things of that nature,” said Food Services Head Supervisor Jeff Jepson.  “At least, we think that’s what happened to them.  Where else would all our cups have gone?  Also, can somebody tell me what a Scribner House actually is?”

The new cups have been deemed less than satisfactory by a large percentage of the student population, due to their sticky nature.

“They fucking stick together,” said junior Willy Clinton.  “All of them.  Every time I go to get a cup, I get eight.  What the shit is this?  I shouldn’t have to play a fucking game of tug-o-war every time I want some apple juice.”

Other students have echoed Willy’s sentiments.

“These cups are the worst thing to happen to Skidmore ever,” said sophomore Jennifer McFitty.  “Even worse than that girl who died in a fire in Wilmarth, and they’ve been talking about her for thirty years.”

Jepson, however, seems to be oblivious to the unpopularity of the new cups.

“We’re really happy about the new cups, especially since nobody has stolen any yet,” said Jepson.  “Which is actually good, because if somebody steals one cup they’re going to end up stealing all the cups because they all stick together.”

The D-Hall has no plans to replace the cups in the near future.

“This is the best thing we’ve ever done,” said Jepson.  “Next year we’re thinking of getting a new line of forks made entirely out of marshmallows.”