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What Your Yankee Mother Never Told You

Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
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This could be you

 

Skidmore Unofficial Presents: What Your Yankee Mother Never Told You (A Go-To Guide for Skidmore Girls)

Four score and seven years ago your Mom and Dad (Mom and Mom, Dad and Dad, etc.) dropped you off, kissed you on the forehead, and drove away six speeds to the wind back to New Jersey (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, they’re having an amazing time without you). (There’s also a seventy-eight percent chance they’re having sex on your childhood bed right now).

Meanwhile, you are either the coolest person on campus or you’re sitting on a rock outside of Kimball crying on the phone to your BFF Jill from UMass Amherst. You may even be thinking of throwing yourself off Jonsson/Johnson Tower (I’ve been there) (don’t do it).

Whether you’re disenchanted, riddled with insecurity, or experiencing complete euphoria, below is some advice/wisdom/stupidity. Take it or don’t, it’s not like I talk to people born after 1995 anyway.

Roommates (ugh)

If you like your roommates, congratulations. I’d rather live in a fucking Halfway House than share a 10′-7″ x 19′-10″ room with two eighteen-year-old women. My friend from Bard’s roommate took a shit on her bed freshman year and she’s never been the same.

Insularity

I can promise you it’s super lame if you’re still hanging with your high school friends Hudson and Jemma from Packer Collegiate Institute or whatever two point five years into being here.

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Skidmore Unofficial’s Guide to Halloween

Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
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I usually hate when people do the most, but this kid’s alright.

Hello, friends. This is the Ghost of Hannibal Burgess! And the Reanimated Corpse of Charmander! Spoooooooooky! As you are all aware, Halloween falls on a Friday this year. It has been many moons since such a blessing, and we must offer a tribute to the Great Pumpkin, or, if he’s busy, Satan.

It’s gonna be a wet and wild weekend, so we’ve put together this fun little guide to aid you in your quest for spooky booty–And I don’t mean just candy! We also mean FUN!

Let’s break Halloween down into its main components, shall we?

Costumes

We’ve got three nights this year, so plan accordingly!

Don’t be Elsa.  Everyone is going to be Elsa.  Even dogs are going to be Elsa. Even the Boston fucking Bruins are going as Elsa. Rise above it.  Let it go.  Be something unique and out of the box, like “a rainy day” or “Cousin Skeeter.”

Here’s the thing about skimpy costumes:  Halloween night is going to be VERY chilly, like 30 degrees!  It might even snow!  We’re all for body positivity and freedom to express yourself, but you’ll catch your death out there! If your mother knew you left Penfield without a coat, what would she say? Probably nothing, because the thought alone has KILLED HER!  So hold back on your sexy Gollum costume until you live somewhere not on the verge of a new Ice Age.

No blackface. NO BLACKFACE? NO BLACKFACE. Nothing that could be even remotely affiliated with blackface. None of that Moon Emoji bullshit. If I see someone in a Ray Rice costume, I am contractually obligated to set them on fire. Like Angie Jordan says, “Don’t do imitations of other races, Liz.” Do not disappoint the Queen of Jordan. This might (and should) make you reassess the Cousin Skeeter suggestion.

Don’t do this either:

Yes, we know this image is fake but we;re illustrating a point here

Yes, we know this image is fake but we’re illustrating a point here. You’ve probably thought it.

 

Alcohol

Pace yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Although, sprinting from house to house while drinking is certainly encouraged.

You also do NOT have to drink, I guess. Drinking does not make you interesting, despite what Hemingway might tell you. Be yourself.

Drugs

Do them. All of them. At least seven of them.*

*Do not take seven of the blue ones. No one knows where the blue ones came from.

Cops

Fuck cops. Actual cops, not costumed cops. Cops are liars. Question authority. Who are they really protecting and serving? Who watches the Watchmen?

Parties

Ask your friends! They know more than you, and are better looking and more popular. Actually, could I get their numbers?

Do not ask Yik Yak. 235 Maple isn’t happening. It will never happen. Nothing ever happens on Maple. Cool your karma.

If you go to the infamous DT, watch out for the most dangerous monster of all: the straight white male over the age of 25.

Obviously, Moorebid isn’t happening this year (or did you not hear?), so you might have to get creative in terms of venues to get your drank on. Explore your options! Be proactive! There’s that huge stall in the 2nd floor Bolton/Palamountain men’s bathroom. Do body shots in the same room where Senate fails to make real change (TOPICAL). Or an elevator suite in JoTo (if you know an upperclassmen who’s cool [citation needed] enough to live in one). Or the upper-level art studios. Or your room. By yourself. Thinking about the girl from your Bio lab. The one you definitely had a chance, if only you’d talked to her that one time you were in line behind her at Global.  Drink amongst your failures and regrets, for there are so many. Call your mother. She misses you.

Trick-or-Treating

Hit up that giant mansion on Broadway; they’ve got the best stuff. But actually, there are several candy bars there with $100 bills in them (because spooky) so test your luck!

If you’re giving out candy: Take a shot every time you see a little girl dressed as Elsa. (Surgeon General’s Warning: You will die.)

Halloween can be iffy if you are going abroad for a semester (other countries aren’t into it like we are? We don’t run the world?) so make your mark right here. Right now. In America. You’re safe here.

That just about wraps it up! Share your Halloween plans with us in the comments! Or don’t! Happy Halloween, and be sure to be spooky!

Moorebid: A Tremendous Pain in the Ass

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012

So at this point, SGA’s plan to charge $10 for a mere 800 Moorebid tickets has pretty much made the rounds across campus, so I won’t belabor it or anything. If you’re into sweating a lot and throwing yourself into freshmen, then I guess it sucks, but alas, life goes on.

Anyway, people are getting awfully pissed off on the Facebook page, and watching the SGA people jump through hoops to assuage the backlash is both entertaining and kinda sad, like watching a guy on stilts try to put out a grease fire. As a result, a rival Facebook group appropriately titled “Occupy Moorebid – Operation Case Center” became active a few days ago.

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Review: Beer in College, Even @ Skidmore

Friday, September 12th, 2008

If there is one thing that movies have taught us it is that college = beer.  Of course, we as students know that this is an incomplete equation.  While beer is a large part of college, there are many other factors that define our pre-real world experience, such as sleeping and being broke.  With this in mind, I propose a new formula, which I have named “Jeremiah’s Formula”.  It is as follows:

College = really cheap beer

I have also taken the time to review a few of this season’s most popular really cheap beers, in order to help connoisseurs and amateurs alike in selecting the best brews for the right occasions.  Enjoy!

Keystone (2007) 15/20: A well-crafted and perky brew, with hints of vanilla, toasted oak, and water.  On the palate, this beer is lively and round, but it lacks the body to truly stand out among its peers.  Best served heated to room temperature and ingested through a plastic tube.

Busch (2008) 13/20: A uniquely complex beer, its richness hits your nose like a fistful of kalamata olives.  It is a true product of the St. Louis region, its flavor a hybrid of leather and fresh fig, giving way to a subtle goat cheese note.  Although distinctive and full, the finish is dry and lingers slightly.

Coors Light (1999) 11/20: Despite a satiny texture and tingly acidity, this Colorado blend of grapefruit, maple syrup and desperation—finely aged in the back of the fridge at the Getty—may be past its prime.  Try it with a nice filet mignon, or in a solo cup with a twist of dirty ping-pong ball.

Olde English 40oz. (2005) 19/20: A true classic of the hood region, this aromatic brew is matured to perfection, with an ample bouquet of shame, candied chestnut, and spring flowers infused with golden delicious apple and thug.  Try taking two bottles (very affordable) and duct-taping them to your hands.

Natural Ice (2008) 8/20: Although not without potential, this brew will not reach its peak for another five-seven years.  It offers an intriguing juxtaposition of orange blossom, cigarette smoke, and black pepper, but fails to deliver with a texture that lacks viscosity.  A berry-rich, mid-palate edge stands out when sampled through a hole in the can your buddy Kyle made with his room key.