What’s up daddies and children of daddies. Have you ever read The New York Times and thought, “Okay, but I wish this pertained to me specifically.”
Well look no further, dear and valued reader. It’s us, your past, present, and future favorite news source: Skidmore Unofficial. Due to a brief hiatus, you are either too senile to remember us or too young to know who we are. Our noble mission is to bring you, the skidmore student, the fun, sexy scoop on everything (and we mean everything) going on on and near our beautiful, fugly campus. This coverage is including but not limited to: concerts, club performances, speakers, open mics, comedy, campus events, sporting events, and whatever else we think you delicious skanks desperately need to know about. We pledge to maintain the highest journalistic and moral integrity while reserving the right to goof. Read to keep up with campus goings-ons, read to tell your friends that you read something today, or read because we seem like we might secretly be cute and you want to have a talking point if you ever meet us around campus.
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What’s up daddies and children of daddies. Have you ever read The New York Times and thought, “Okay, but I wish this pertained to me specifically.”
Skidmore Unofficial Presents: What Your Yankee Mother Never Told You (A Go-To Guide for Skidmore Girls)
Four score and seven years ago your Mom and Dad (Mom and Mom, Dad and Dad, etc.) dropped you off, kissed you on the forehead, and drove away six speeds to the wind back to New Jersey (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, they’re having an amazing time without you). (There’s also a seventy-eight percent chance they’re having sex on your childhood bed right now).
Meanwhile, you are either the coolest person on campus or you’re sitting on a rock outside of Kimball crying on the phone to your BFF Jill from UMass Amherst. You may even be thinking of throwing yourself off Jonsson/Johnson Tower (I’ve been there) (don’t do it).
Whether you’re disenchanted, riddled with insecurity, or experiencing complete euphoria, below is some advice/wisdom/stupidity. Take it or don’t, it’s not like I talk to people born after 1995 anyway.
If you like your roommates, congratulations. I’d rather live in a fucking Halfway House than share a 10′-7″ x 19′-10″ room with two eighteen-year-old women. My friend from Bard’s roommate took a shit on her bed freshman year and she’s never been the same.
I can promise you it’s super lame if you’re still hanging with your high school friends Hudson and Jemma from Packer Collegiate Institute or whatever two point five years into being here.
That’s really all there is to it, but while we have you here, let’s talk about it a little bit. Maybe you’re a seasoned pro by now. Maybe you’ve never experienced this sextravaganza (not a typo). Either way, it’s never too late/early to get some tips on how to get the most (or least) out of the
coldest funnest day of the year. Because here at SkidUnofficial, we make mistakes so YOU don’t have to!
Obviously you’re going to make most of your Fun Day plans around your pals and how early they decide to get basic on the fourth floor of JoTo. But it’s worth thinking about the cornerstone of Fun Day…
No, not I’m not talking about pot (haha did you know there’s weed at this school?). I’m talking about the bands! Err…I mean the bands and DJs! Both! Both are equally valued on this site! Really! Honest!
Here’s the running order as of right now.
12:00 – Salmon of Knowledge
12:50 – Queen Ambrosia
1:40 – Trash Johnson
2:30 – Los Elk
3:20 – Karate
4:10 – Dope Mosely
See a band you wanna catch? Then make sure to drag your buds over to the green and soak up the tunes. What’s that? They’re not budging?! Fuck ’em! You can catch them later once they’ve done the dirty work of finding a place to lay the blanket.
But enough from me! Let me hand it over to some of my
esteemed colleagues for them to share their endless bounty of wisdom.
It’s a marathon, not a sprint! Don’t be that person who passes out at 3pm only to wake up at 5 with a hangover so terrible it will awaken Lucy Scribner herself. Just let the day happen and the good time will roll along.
Be whimsical as fuck, in both looks and spirits: if you ever publicly scorned those sexy pierced hula-hooping girls but secretly wanted to be them, Fun Day is your chance. Break out your lacy bralette and flower crowns or just go naked. Fun Day welcomes you as you are. Honestly, unless you intentionally try really hard to fuck things up, it will inevitably be a fun day for everyone. Go on all the fun bouncy rides–the grace period for it being socially acceptable to act like a kid is running out (unless you’re a freshman, in which case I hate you because I am a bitter washed-up senior), so take advantage while you can. Just enjoy everything around you, don’t fret about whether or not you look weird or if your crush is there or if you think you see your professor (I promise, you don’t [Executive Editor’s note: I saw mine last year]). Seriously, just be happy to be in the moment and check yo worries at the Case door.
Shifting into Mom Mode: If you’re going to be drinking that day, PLEASE take advantage of the food available. I didn’t my freshman year, and let’s just say I left a little gift near the Burgess tables. (Puke. The gift was puke.). Also, seriously, wear some fucking sunscreen. I know not everyone is as pale as me (OMG!!! I just gave my identity away! Hahahah just kidding, everyone at this school is a porcelain-white girl), but when you are drunkenly lying in the sun for like 5 hours, you WILL get burnt. Get turnt, don’t get burnt. No matter what the weather, I guarantee a Fun Day for all or your tuition money back (just kidding, Glotzbach needs the infinite tuition money for lifeblood).
There’s no shame in calling time-out and taking a break from the festivities. You might say that you’re going to see every band/DJ’s setlist, but odds are that probably won’t happen. Be realistic. Take care of yourself. If you’re hungry, head to dhall. If you need to load-up on water, head back to your dorm with a pal and have a h2h featuring vulnerability you never knew you had and will likely never see again. Now, of course, by “water” what I really mean is MALIBU MALIBU ALL DAY WOOOO YOU ARE YOUNG AND IT IS FRESHMAN YEAR AND DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?
(No, it doesn’t. You’ve peaked.)
Anyway, the point is that the aforementioend whimsical hula-hoopers will still be there when you get back. This shit really does go on for a while. So don’t worry about missing “the best part” while on your break. The whole day is the best part! Unless you don’t get the sunglasses. Then it’s best just to pack up before something really bad happens. Oh, and if you DO get sunglasses, don’t fall asleep with them on.Basic shit, but you’ll think your Uncle Qwik later. The weather app on my iPhone currently has a sun icon for Saturday, so it WILL be out for the majority of the day, presumably (as opposed to the 15 glorious minutes it was out for last year).
And another thing: don’t pull any of that “I’m just going back to my dorm to take a quick name then I’ll wake up RARIN’ TO GO” shit. That’s not going to happen. If you fall asleep on Fun Day, you won’t wake up. No, I don’t mean you’ll die (though for fuck’s sake don’t do that either). I mean you won’t wake up until Fun Day is over. And if that’s the case, well, you might as well have died.
Oh, and if you find yourself thinking “Well golly, this girl/guy sure is cute, let’s lickity-split and go to my SUPER SECRET SEMI-PUBLIC SEX SPOT” at any point past 2:00, don’t bother. It’s more than likely that your super secret semi-public sex spot isn’t all that super secret, and at least two other couples (or triads? Fun Day, remember?) will already be bumpin’ uglies. So unless you feel like negotiating the space (sharing is caring, after all), I suggest you get more creative or just have sex in a dorm like the good Christian boy/girl you know yourself to be.
“Fun Day is the only day where if you don’t look like an idiot, you look like an idiot.”
And if you haven’t found that interesting enough, here’s 14 fun facts about Robin Adams! The more you know. (Edit: The link is down. But here’s his website in case you still need to fill your RA quota for the week!)
This weekend marks the annual Junior Ring, presented by the Junior Class Council, featuring co-sponsoship by Late Night and Falstaff’s Operating Committee. Junior Ring is a staple of the Skidmore experience, and it comes at a perfect time in the–oh fuck it I give up on trying to make all these events seem important and like they serve a bigger purpose in the grand scheme of the Skidmore experience (whatever the shit that means).
Suffice it to say that Junior Ring is happening this weekend, and it’s theme is “World Tour.” Here’s the lowdown.
The weekend begins Friday night at 7pm with the annual Mr./Ms. Skidmore competion. Designed to be a mockery of beauty pageants (which have, at this point, been solidified among one of the world’s worst social constructs), Mr./Ms. Skidmore is a series of tasks/questions/sections that culminate in the winner being crowned as the next “Skidmore superstar.” It’s worth noting that people have to get nominated in order to compete, so you know that approximately 78% of the contestants will have been nominated by their friends as some sort of joke and are just doing it to be good sports.
Hosted by comedy duo Rey and Lemay, the evening is sure to be entertaining and filled with lots of moments that blur the ever-so-fine line between “this is funny and ironic” and “this is douchey and mastrubatory as all hell.” Someone will probably be wearing a dress. Some dude will probably lip sync or dance to Britney Spears or play an ironic folk cover of a trashy pop song (you totally won’t see it coming). But hey, it’s in the Spa, so it doesn’t get much easier to slip out once you see who you came to see and decide that you’ve seen enough skin to last you the winter.
Saturday night from 10pm-2am is the main event: the Junior Ring Dance. This year’s theme is “A Night in Paris,” and if you had as sexually repressed an adolescence as I had (see: still have), you certainly don’t need me to tell you why that name is so (un)fortunate. Seriously. Does anyone on the Junior Class Council have access to Google? This is why you don’t use Bing.
Anyway, the evening is just a dance in the Big Gym. Pretty similar to prom, if you had one of those or have yet to push it into to the darkest depths of repression. There will be “great music with a twist” (uh-oh), “French delicacies, and a vineyard.” So be sure to bring your campus event card if you have one (you don’t). Rumor has it that members of the Junior Class Council will be producing your wine by stepping on grapes with their bare feet and pouring it into a glass before your very eyes, but that has yet to be confirmed. There will also be a red carpet photo-op area. So be sure to look classy, get sloshed, and find a cutie to French with for the night (hahaha someone please find and smooch me so I don’t have to go home alone for the fourth year in a row).
Tickets can be purchased until tomorrow (Friday) at 5:00pm in Case for $8, and then at the door Saturday evening for $10. Find a cutie to bring for a date and get ready for a night you’ll never forget. Because you’ll never have remembered it in the first place.
Sunday morning will round out the weekend with a “Study Break in Spain.” There’s really not much else to say about that. Stop by Falstaff’s at noon to enjoy some soothing Spanish guitar, free espresso shots, and assorted desserts while you think about what you did last night. College, am I right?
There’s also other shit going on this weekend (it’s pretty packed, because a lot of clubs/groups are getting their last shows in for the semester, so check that out in our latest Weekend Distractions.
Hello, friends. This is the Ghost of Hannibal Burgess! And the Reanimated Corpse of Charmander! Spoooooooooky! As you are all aware, Halloween falls on a Friday this year. It has been many moons since such a blessing, and we must offer a tribute to the Great Pumpkin, or, if he’s busy, Satan.
It’s gonna be a wet and wild weekend, so we’ve put together this fun little guide to aid you in your quest for spooky booty–And I don’t mean just candy! We also mean FUN!
Let’s break Halloween down into its main components, shall we?
We’ve got three nights this year, so plan accordingly!
Don’t be Elsa. Everyone is going to be Elsa. Even dogs are going to be Elsa. Even the Boston fucking Bruins are going as Elsa. Rise above it. Let it go. Be something unique and out of the box, like “a rainy day” or “Cousin Skeeter.”
Here’s the thing about skimpy costumes: Halloween night is going to be VERY chilly, like 30 degrees! It might even snow! We’re all for body positivity and freedom to express yourself, but you’ll catch your death out there! If your mother knew you left Penfield without a coat, what would she say? Probably nothing, because the thought alone has KILLED HER! So hold back on your sexy Gollum costume until you live somewhere not on the verge of a new Ice Age.
No blackface. NO BLACKFACE? NO BLACKFACE. Nothing that could be even remotely affiliated with blackface. None of that Moon Emoji bullshit. If I see someone in a Ray Rice costume, I am contractually obligated to set them on fire. Like Angie Jordan says, “Don’t do imitations of other races, Liz.” Do not disappoint the Queen of Jordan. This might (and should) make you reassess the Cousin Skeeter suggestion.
Don’t do this either:
Pace yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Although, sprinting from house to house while drinking is certainly encouraged.
You also do NOT have to drink, I guess. Drinking does not make you interesting, despite what Hemingway might tell you. Be yourself.
Do them. All of them. At least seven of them.*
*Do not take seven of the blue ones. No one knows where the blue ones came from.
Fuck cops. Actual cops, not costumed cops. Cops are liars. Question authority. Who are they really protecting and serving? Who watches the Watchmen?
Ask your friends! They know more than you, and are better looking and more popular. Actually, could I get their numbers?
Do not ask Yik Yak. 235 Maple isn’t happening. It will never happen. Nothing ever happens on Maple. Cool your karma.
If you go to the infamous DT, watch out for the most dangerous monster of all: the straight white male over the age of 25.
Obviously, Moorebid isn’t happening this year (or did you not hear?), so you might have to get creative in terms of venues to get your drank on. Explore your options! Be proactive! There’s that huge stall in the 2nd floor Bolton/Palamountain men’s bathroom. Do body shots in the same room where Senate fails to make real change (TOPICAL). Or an elevator suite in JoTo (if you know an upperclassmen who’s cool  enough to live in one). Or the upper-level art studios. Or your room. By yourself. Thinking about the girl from your Bio lab. The one you definitely had a chance, if only you’d talked to her that one time you were in line behind her at Global. Drink amongst your failures and regrets, for there are so many. Call your mother. She misses you.
Hit up that giant mansion on Broadway; they’ve got the best stuff. But actually, there are several candy bars there with $100 bills in them (because spooky) so test your luck!
If you’re giving out candy: Take a shot every time you see a little girl dressed as Elsa. (Surgeon General’s Warning: You will die.)
Halloween can be iffy if you are going abroad for a semester (other countries aren’t into it like we are? We don’t run the world?) so make your mark right here. Right now. In America. You’re safe here.
That just about wraps it up! Share your Halloween plans with us in the comments! Or don’t! Happy Halloween, and be sure to be spooky!
By now, you’ve all probably seen on Facebook or Yik Yak mysterious posts regarding something called The Hunt. “O wise Skidmore Unofficial, tell me about this magical thing! I’m just a freshman and I know nothing of the happenings on this campus!” Well, you’re in luck. Hunt Correspondents Dr. Spaceman and Glotzbach’s Evil Twin are here to give y’all the inside scoop:
Dr. Spaceman: Some of your highschool friends may have spoken of scavenger hunts at their schools… and I’m here to tell you: your highschool friends suck. The Hunt is a Skidmore tradition, the likes of which is unseen at any other institution. The Hunt is more fun, more degrading, and more day-drinky than any other scavenger hunt. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? Do you seek HONOR and GLORY? Winning the Hunt is basically something you can put on your resume. It’s a big deal. If you do have what it takes, you must register your 5 person team (including 1 designated driver! very important!). TO REGISTER, text “(413) GET-HUNT is our actual real phone number. text us your team name, members, and designated drive or email us at email@example.com.” That’s taken directly from TheHunt IsComing’s facebook page.
First off, be very very very drunk and ready to do some ridiculous shit. This includes head shaving, tats, piercings, and sexy time with your team members. So pick a team you would be okay making out with. Basically, the Hunt Leaders give out a list of clues. Your team must interpret the phrases how you want, and take pictures to document your day-shananigans for the judging (don’t worry, you can delete them later). Then, your team goes in front of a panel of honored judges. This is where y’all get crazy. Whoever does the most insane shit wins the honor and glory that comes with the hunt.
Glotzbach’s Evil Twin: Hey there folks. I participated in the hunt my freshman and sophomore years, and both times rank among my top college memories. Not tryina get corny here, but the hunt holds a special place in my heart… although my team has never won because we still retained some of our dignity. Anyway, last year the Hunt tragically fell through. If you’re a current sophomore or freshman, you don’t know what you’re missing. But this year…THIS YEAR…it is making its triumphant return. October 24th (AKA Study Day) is the sacred day on which the hunt is held. Study day means no obligations. It means nothing will stand between you and your team as you quest onwards to victory.
Personally, I recommend starting the day with a nalgene of your choice mixed drink. This is best coupled with a pack of cigs that you buy on impulse. Some people have tripped on the hunt, but I would not recommend that as the day is weird enough without hallucinogens. Remember: day drinking is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. To have an enjoyable Hunt, it’s crucial to find that sweet spot: drunk enough to do crazy things throughout the day, but physically able to last through the judging and then make it to the Hunt Afterparty.
Ah yes…the afterparty. Rumors will run wild. You will hear tales of absolutely absurd, disgusting things done that day, and then you’ll find out they’re actually true. When the immense glory of The Hunt has passed, there’s a good chance that you’ll never be able to look at your teammates the same way. Theres also a good chance that one person who won will never be looked at the same again. But hey, even if you squeeze a bottle of water into your friend’s butthole while they’re doing a naked handstand, and even if that doesn’t get you in the top three teams, there’s one important lesson everyone should remember:
The Hunt is fucking awesome and probably one of the best times you’ll have at college.
Now here is a good warmup for you and your team:
I BELIEVE THAT
I BELIEVE THAT WE
I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Hunting, y’all!
-Dr. Spaceman & Glotzbach’s Evil Twin
Do your roommates have a ton of work to do but no motivation to get out of their beds and turn off Netflix? Is it nine p.m. and all your friends have 6 page essays due in 12 hours? Lucky for you, you don’t have anything due this week. That being said, you’re probably super bored and looking for something fun to do. All the motivated people on campus are busy studying their brains out and there’s nothing you enjoy more than being a huge distraction. It’s time to hit the library!
When you walk into the library,
- Have a really loud phone conversation about something nobody wants to hear about (the terrible sex you had last night, your bowel movements, and your friends’ gossip are good starting places).
- Talk to your friends at the desk in your most obnoxious voice possible.
- Complain to everyone you see that you have nothing to do and you’re really bored and you honestly wish you had homework to do.
At a personal desk,
- Make sure to pull a Goldilocks and try out a couple different seats before choosing one. At each one, talk to the people next to you, move the chair up and down a few times, and type loudly on the computer.
- Interrupt the person next to you to ask if you can borrow a pen. If they’re wearing headphones, feel free to just pull one out of their ear.
- Put music on your iPod and pop your earbuds in, but turn your music up all the way so all the people around you can hear what great music taste you have.
- Immediately get on Facebook and open every video you can find. Start playing them on the computer, but make sure not to plug your headphones in until after the videos have started. Apologize loudly for making so much noise.
- Keep your phone on your desk and text all your friends. Your phone will buzz on the table every time, making a shit ton of noise, but you won’t hear it since your music is so loud.
- Slurp your coffee loudly. It’s really hot, so make sure to blow on it too.
- Eat loud, smelly food. Great options include: apples, carrots, celery, Indian food, egg salad, tuna sandwich, potato chips (or Sunchips because those bags are the crinkliest).
- Let all your friends know where you are so they can come visit you and distract everyone else around you. Better yet, tell your significant other to come see you so you can make out with him/her.
- Cough into your hands and rub them all over the keyboard. Never use hand sanitizer or wash your hands (especially after going to the bathroom).
At a group study table,
- Claim a table entirely for yourself. Spread your things out all over it.
- Leave all your stuff there and go to D-Hall. Leave a sign saying the table is reserved. Stay away from the library for a good few hours.
On the third floor,
- Make any noise at all.
- Open your computer and let it make the turn on noise.
- Glare at everyone who passes you to let them know you take the third floor seriously.
- Never print fewer than fifty pages at a time.
- Always print in the ten minutes between class when everyone else is just trying to print their essays to turn in.
- Use all the staples and don’t tell anyone.
- Jam the printer and sneak away without letting anyone know it’s broken.
There you have it, friends – the best ways to be an asshole in the library! If this list isn’t extensive enough for you, feel free to come up with more creative things. After all, creative thought–oh, fuck it.
Hello Freshmen/Frosh/First Years/Infants:
Welcome to Skidmore College! I’m sure you’re rather overwhelmed by the whole college experience: moving in, making new friends, finding your classes, deluding yourselves that you’re going to stay with your high school boyfriend/girlfriend. But it’s okay! We’ve all been there. Some of us are still there.
But there’s one aspect of Skidmore that the brochures haven’t talked about: the squirrels.
“What’s so bad about the squirrels?” you may ask, perusing the aisles of AC Moore looking for the perfect mason jars to drink your tea from. “Aren’t they just rats with fuzzier tails?”
“In most places, yes,” I’ll say, because I drove you to AC Moore because your mom doesn’t trust you with your grandmother’s car. “But here at Skidmore, the squirrels are BOLD.”
You must be told: the Skidmore squirrels do not fear you. They’ll come right up to you. They want your food. And they’re going to get it.
When you walk past a garbage can and see it shake, it’s because a squirrel is in there, feasting. Squirrels have been seen with full bagels and slices of pizza in their mouths.
I once saw a squirrel shoot out of a trash can like a bullet right in front of an innocent girl. She shrieked and said, “This is SO not my day!” because she apparently lives in Bridget Jones’ Diary.
These are not isolated incidents. This happens constantly. It will happen to you.
Oh, also, the squirrels might have the slightest nicotine addictions. They’re trying to quit though. Unless they can bum a cig off you? They’ve got your back next time, they swear.
“What can I do?” you ask. “I am but a simple student. I do not know the ways of the beast.”
You can leave the squirrels alone. Just show them respect, and maybe their tails won’t creepily touch your bare leg. Or, you can scream at them when they enter your line of sight. That usually solves everything.