Local News: Job Applicant with Sparse Resume Claims to Be “A Quick Learner”

Written by Jeremiah Budin on March 20th, 2011

SARATOGA SPRINGS—Skidmore College Senior Daniel Anastos recently revealed to a potential employer that, despite his lack of job experience, internships, or extracurricular activities, he has been blessed with the ability to quickly process information and gain knowledge from his mistakes, making him the ideal candidate for an entry level job in publishing, or marketing, or engineering, or really almost anything at all.

“Rest assured,” Anastos told interviewers. “I really am very bright, hardworking, and proficient, not to mention loyal. And even though I have yet to put any of these qualities to use in a practical sense, I am extremely confident that I will be able to perform the tasks required in any job that requires the performance of tasks. I can do it. Trust me.”

“Please,” he added. “Don’t make me move back into my parents’ house.”

This approach marks a significant improvement for Anastos since his last interview, when he told potential employers that he did not “really give a fuck about accounting” and that he was “just in it for the pussy.”

 

2 Comments so far ↓

  1. Saturnius says:

    Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
    Donkey: Example?
    Shrek: Example… uh… ogres are like onions!
    [holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
    Donkey: They stink?
    Shrek: Yes… No!
    Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
    Shrek: No!
    Donkey: Oh, you leave ‘em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs…
    Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
    [walks off]
    Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
    Shrek: I don’t care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
    Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!
    Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
    Donkey: Parfait’s gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

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