Gg
Glotzbach:
The king of Skidmore is named Phil Glotzbach. Nobody is quite sure who he is, but rumor has it he is a giant with a long, flowing beard who lives at the top of the tallest tower in all of Saratoga (Jonsson Tower). Now that you go to Skidmore, it is your responsibility to make jokes about Glotzbach. “Does anyone know where the art building is?” “I don’t know, why don’t we ask Glotzbach?” Ha ha ha. People say that if you are really lucky you can spot Glotzbach eating lunch near Emily’s Garden, but this is just a myth. Sometimes Glotzbach will send you emails that you don’t read. Sometimes Glotzbach will give speeches that you don’t attend.
Runners Up: Guest Lecturers, Getty, Garbage Rooms, Gazebo
Hh
Hating Your Roommate:
Hating your roommate is the college version of hating your parents. Just like parents, roommates come in two flavors. They will either always be around asking you questions and demanding to know where you are going at 11pm on a school night, or they will never be around when you need them and leave you to cry alone in your room at night while they are out binge drinking and cheating on Mom their high school girlfriend. Don’t worry though. Talking about how much you hate your roommate is a great way to make friends at parties and if you work your angles right you can totally set yourself up as some sort of victim and attract that pale girl in your Freshman Seminar.
Horses:
There are a lot of reasons you might have come to Skidmore. Maybe it was because you heard there’s a good art program. Maybe it was because you wanted to play lacrosse but you knew that you wouldn’t make the team at a school that is actually good at lacrosse. Maybe it was because you got rejected from Vassar, Wesleyan, Bowdoin, Brown, and Haverford. Maybe it was because the campus is kind of pretty and your tour guide made some good jokes and you just don’t care that much. Or maybe you really, really, really like horses. Yeah, that’s a thing. To be honest, I don’t really have anything to say about the girls (it’s all girls) who are super into horses. I mean, it’s a significant part of Skidmore’s identity or whatever, so it seemed like it was worth mentioning. Our mascot is the Thoroughbred. That’s a horse. But it’s not like it affects your (my) life in any way. Sometimes you’re in a class with a girl who occasionally shows up in riding pants. That’s about it.
Runners Up: Hazing, Hipsters, Holding in Farts, Haupt Pond (Jumping In), Haupt Pond (Laughing at People who Jump In), Hunt, “How Did I Get Home Last Night?”
Ii
Intramural Sports:
Intramural sports are a great way to get some exercise and have fun at the same time. Also, they are a great place to have people you’ve never met yell obscenities at you. If you’re a business major, they’re a great place to yell obscenities at people you’ve never met. Everybody wins!* If you played sports in high school, this is your chance to show your new peers how awesome you are at getting drunk, dropping easy pop-ups, and throwing your glove in rage and embarrassment. Skidmore offers a wide variety of intramural sports, such as volleyball, dodgeball, softball, being called a pussy, flag football, drinking, and pretending you have to work on an art project so you don’t have to go to your terrible intramural game and get yelled at by strangers.
*The team of business majors wins.
Runners Up: Internet Porn, Indie Kids, Ice Cream Socials, Isolation (Feelings Of)
Jj
Jonsson Balconies:
You may have noticed that Jonsson Tower has balconies, and the more astute of you may have noticed that the doors to these balconies are locked. Rumor has it that one time a kid ate some mushrooms and then fell off the balcony and got hurt or died or something terrible like that. If you get caught sneaking onto your balcony your RA will get really red in the face and call Campo and you will get kicked out of school and never be able to get a job and die alone and uneducated. Whoever it is that makes these decisions probably doesn’t care that you were just having a cigarette, or making a phone call, or trying to see the sunset better. Don’t worry though. Put a few pictures of your balcony on the ol’ Facebook and tell all your friends from high school that you are totally allowed out there and make them all get jealous and question their decision to go to Shitty University Without Balconies. If they come to visit and want to “chill on the balcony” just tell them you “lost your key at this sick party at Mac B” or that “it’s too cold outside, dude.”
Junior Ring:
When it gets really cold the Junior Class throws a huge party in the gym. All the girls wear really fancy dresses and red lipstick and all the guys wear blue buttondown shirts with vertical stripes and mis-matched ties. Everyone is drunk, like, way more drunk than they should be, and they all rub up against each other and walk in big circles around the dance floor trying to make eye contact with that cutie from Economics 206. Junior Ring, along with its equally debaucherous Autumn equivalent Moorebid Ball, is notorious for causing alarming numbers of overeager freshmen to make a trip to Saratoga Hospital to have their stomachs pumped. This is not a stereotype you as a class want to perpetuate. I’m not trying to get all preachy on y’all but maybe, like, write a note to yourself or something reminding you not to get so drunk that you need to go to the hospital?
Runners Up: Jews, Jello Shots, Jobs (Campus), Jobs (Hand), Jerking Off toFacebook
Kk
Keystone Light:
Being snobby about “good beer” is a great way to let people know you are boring. Beggars can’t be choosers, and until you vomit up peach schnapps on your 21st birthday you are required to accept alcohol in any form it is available to you. Your go-to source for both carbohydrates and alcohols will be Keystone Light. ‘Stone comes in kegs, bottles, and cans but is best enjoyed lukewarm from a solo cup. Get used to it. College is the only place in the world where you can show up with alcohol that nobody likes and still be welcomed with open arms, so take advantage of this.
