This week everyone’s favorite advice columnist is back with two pieces of sound counsel. To anonymously send you quandries to Lucy email DearLucy@SkidmoreUnofficial.com.

Dear Lucy,
I’ve fallen in love with one of the locals that works at the Spa. She never charges me for oyster crackers when I get soup so I think she loves me back. Would it be foolish of me to pursue this relationship?
~Yearning To Share My Cream Of Broccoli

Dear “Share My Cream,”
Your story reminds me of an experience I had as a naïve frosh. It was about this time of the year, three years ago. Picture it:
The Murray Aikens air was damp, clouded with the faint scent of chicken fingers and Camel cigarettes. Halloween was just around the corner, and it looked as if the sky outside was raining yellow leaves. As I put my empty plate on the dish rack, a certain sexy short-order cook caught my eye. Or rather, he caught my dropped knife. Either way, his muscles rippled beneath his blue uniform, and I was smitten. He said, “Here,” offering me the dirty utensil. I said, “Thank you.” He said, “You’re welcome.” We went our separate ways that night, but I know we both cherish that moment.
So clearly, Cream, I understand your emotional turmoil. Dining Hall employees–and, actually, all individuals who work in food service–don’t normally give food away for free. I’ve never heard of a case of cost-free crackers that didn’t come with baggage. A Spa employee would only give free oyster crackers for one of two reasons: either they think you look emaciated or they want to get in your pants. Therefore, if you are one of those skinny, hipster, I-wear-my-pants-tight-and-my-bangs-long kind of people, your soup server may have simply mistaken your fashion sense for an eating disorder. If this is not the case, I think you should take the risk and dive head first into that strawberry smoothie.
Xoxo,
-Lucy

Dear Lucy,
This weekend I had a bit too much to drink and ended up having a little accident. The line for the bathroom was ridiculously long so I decided to take my chances in the backyard. Turns out I’m not so good at getting my pants unbuttoned and some things got “dirty.” In my inebriated state I didn’t realize the extent of my situation until I was already back inside the party. Can I ever show my face at Skidmore again?
~Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,
No. Best of luck at Vassar next semester.
-Lucy

This week’s unsolicited advice:

1. Don’t get stuck taking 14 credits of “Self-Paced Fitness”: Make sure you see your advisor next week so that you can register for spring courses before every class is filled.
2. Looking for something to lift your spirits? Google ‘Ireland Baldwin Lil’ Wayne cake’. There’s nothing funnier than the 30 Rock star’s daughter’s choice in birthday cake design except for Rosebud Cake’s recreation of Lil’ Wayne’s signature dreadlocks out of black licorice. Pure genius.
3. The first person in your suite or house to get H1N1 gets 50 points!
4. What do you get when you mix culture, immigration, civil war, and Heidi Klum? Korto Momolu, Bravo’s Project Runway contestant and next week’s lecturer on “My Story as an African Immigrant Woman”. Saturday, 11/07/09, 6 PM, Gannett Auditorium.