Skidmore Campus Safety Officer Faces Sex Abuse Charges

Written by Major Qwik on June 21st, 2014

Robert Gardner, a 35 year campus safety officer, has been arrested and charged with sexual abuse and unlawful surveillance of a 28-year-old woman and Saratoga resident. Sources report (and some in slightly graphic detail, so a trigger warning might be in order) that the incident happened Wednesday afternoon at the victim’s residence on Lincoln Ave after Gardner, 62, drove her back home Saratoga Lake, where “Gardner and [she] had been drinking most of the day” ( Gardner, 62, was released on his own recognizance by City Court Judge Jeffrey Wait, and has been suspended by the College without pay. Sources report he is facing up to 7 years in prison.

Campu Safety Officer Robert Gardner, Charged With Sexual Abuse and Unlawful Surveillance

Campus Safety Officer Robert Gardner, Charged With Sexual Abuse and Unlawful Surveillance

Naturally, one is left to wonder why students have had yet to be notified, and perhaps the optimistic answer to this question is that the college will (and had planned to) do so in the very, very near future. Still, time will tell.

Of course, the question then becomes What will the college do next? Even though this terrible violation didn’t take place on the Skidmore campus or involve a Skidmore student, this is definitely a Skidmore issue. It reflects poorly on Campus Safety to students, parents, and potential applicants. And, since the perpetrator is a representative of the Skidmore community–and, perhaps worse, someone who is supposed to serve as a symbol of safety and protection from such crimes–it reflects poorly on Skidmore in general.

Though some action has been taken in Gardner’s suspension without pay, how the college chooses to address this situation–one that is, sadly, merely one in a long line of events concerning safety and sexual assault on college campuses–will no doubt be key in determining how people perceive Skidmore and its stance on such matters. Here’s hoping they make the right decision. And here’s hoping they’ll be kept accountable for it.


Senior Art Show At The Tang

Written by Executive Editor on May 9th, 2014
Get classed up and come drink wine and eat hors' d'oeuvres with artsy people.

Get classed up and come drink wine and eat hors’ d’oeuvres with artsy people.

Are you friends with any art majors? Have they been stressed-the-fuck-out in the past couple weeks? A short-fuse to anybody around? Logging ridiculous hours in the dark, dank depths of Skidmore’s art studio?

Well, breath easy, because tonight marks the final art show of these seniors’ undergraduate career. It’s at the Tang Museum and it starts at 6pm. The coveted museum is packed, walls covered with paintings, photos, collages, sculptures, and prints done by the graduating art majors–64 of them. The show is up all senior week long, so don’t fret to hard if you can’t make it tonight.

This is one of the most extensive exhibitions of Skidmore talent to happen all year. A wide array of mediums and techniques make this the most impressive display of Skidmore-made artwork as well. There will be a cash bar and hors d’oeuvres for all y’all high class art snobs to get well lit on.

Also, this is a classy event, not publicly black tie but think of it as such. Wear your suit with the highest thread count, I’m talking like over 200 thread count shit. These art majors have been wearing Goodwill-recycled, paint-stained jeans for weeks, probably haven’t showered, and have certainly inhaled enough carcinogens to build a nice, cushiony lawsuit against the college. This is their time to celebrate, to shower, and to prove to you that they do own fancy shirts!

Get gussied up, raise your chin, and lets look at some art.

Tonight, 6PM, The Tang


Free Cake for Every Creature Streams New Song on Stereogum

Written by Major Qwik on May 7th, 2014

It’s always cool when Skidmore-related bands get exposure on other sites. Wait, now that I think about it, does that ever happen? Well, now it has, so listen up. Free Cake for Every Creature has a new song entitled “Don’t Go Away” streaming on Stereogum as of today. For those of you who don’t know them, Free Cake for Every Creature is the bedroom pop/twee pop project of Katie Bennett ’13, who writes songs “full of awkward pauses and unassuming romanticism,” according to Stereogum writer James Rettig. She’s recruited some of her pals (Colin Manjoney ’13, Francis Lyons ’14, and Brandon Dyer ’15) for a full-band sound, and their releasing a tape (yeah, like a legit cassette) through Double Double Whammy records on June 10th.

If you've never talked to any of these guys before, it's probably because you're not cool enough.

If you’ve never talked to any of these people before, it’s probably because you’re nowhere near cool enough.

I’m pretty sure it’s still cool to go on Stereogum, and it’s always cool to support the work of your fellow Skidkids Skiddies people affiliated with this academic institution, so check out the song. And be sure to (a) mention to all your non-Skidmore friends that you knew about Free Cake for Every Creature way before they were on Stereogum and (b) mention to all your Skidmore friends that you went on Stereogum way before Free Cake for Every Creature was on it. Pretty Good comes out June 10th. Preorder it here if you feel like dishing out only $5 for some awesome mellow tunes pressed on some dead technology.


Wafflefest Is Tonight!

Written by Executive Editor on May 4th, 2014

‘Twas the night before finals week and everybody crammed into the Dining Hall to procrastin-eat waffles. It’s hectic, it’s stressful, it’s a whole lot of maple syrup stuck to your shoes, but it’s Wafflefest, the bi-annual waffle celebration put in place by the SGA to distract you from your impending stress overload.

The event starts at 8pm and goes all the way until 11pm. It is free to all Skidmore students.

Eat your heart out.

Ps. Please watch out for those baby cakes, because those crisp, greasy potato sliders are one of the more dangerously addictive things Dining Services is legally allowed to serve you.



Citizen’s Arrest 5/2/14

Written by franz on May 3rd, 2014
Anybody drive a Smart car?

Anybody drive a Smart car?

Citizen’s Arrest is a new feature on Skidmore Unofficial created to help foster “campus community” by mercilessly heckling people for doing shitty things–kind of like that guy three rows behind the Yankees’ dugout at Fenway (we all know Jorge Posada pronounces his name wrong, but that guy’s there to remind us—”GEEEORGE, YOUR NAME IS GEORGE”).

CITIZEN’S ARREST – 5/2/14  5:14 PM  Sussman Parking Lot

A Citizen’s Arrest was made Friday afternoon in the Sussman parking lot after someone left a Goodwill donation box in the premier parking spot for Lower Hillside residents, who already struggle to make it to their cars because someone thought it would be a good idea to put a cliff next to the apartments instead of a staircase.  The offender appears not to reside in Sussman Village, otherwise they surely would have dropped their dumpster in one of the plentiful empty parking spaces in Sussman.  Campus Safety already knows they can park sideways—taking up three spaces doing god-knows-what—without causing a problem.  Hell, even some townies set up shop in the Lower Sussman parking lot a few weeks ago (when it was actually nice out—remember that??) to barbecue and toss the pig-skin around.  Worst of all, the offender saran-wrapped the entire box, preventing any Good Samaritan from actually donating.

Asshole with a fork-lift 1 – Sussman residents 0 – Goodwill 0.




10 Thoughts From A 2013 Graduate

Written by Executive Editor on May 2nd, 2014

Five Things To Get Used To After Life At Skidmore

  1. Real cops don’t care about your house party of 20 friends.
  2. Working a 40+ hour work week in an office has real benefits, like that moment you take off your business casual swag and slip into some lounging shorts and a t-shirt, feeling like you actually deserve it.
  3. After years of schooling, you can finally give something back and contribute to society in a real way, not having to be caught up fighting laws about where on campus smoking is allowed (really Glotz).
  4. Not everyone looks the same. The war of the thickest glasses frames can finally be over, because guess what? Your new co-worker wears Hollister and American Eagle and doesn’t give a flying fuck about your new frames.
  5. Not everyone has the same opinions. After years of unleashing my impassioned diatribes on blank stares and affirmative head-nods I have more people in my life who challenge my beliefs. Self-growth y’all, don’t be scared.

Five Things Not So Great About Life After Skidmore

  1. Working is hard.
  2. There are a lot of beautiful people at Skidmore—both inside and out. The real world is filled with plenty of that sort of folk, but has a much heavier dilution of run-of-the-mill boring lemmings that are destined for accounting positions.
  3. Things like career services, health services, counseling center, writing center, 10 condoms for $1 are not available for free (or severely discounted prices) at your very fingertips. Applying for jobs is a lot more difficult without 5 people massaging your resume and 1 person massaging your fragile ego.
  4. You want to start some shit? You can have five friends and a professor back you with minimal work. Dialogues can happen if someone has a bad post-apocalyptic dream at Thoroughbred Nation, and while dialogues are just a forum for concurrent beliefs to affirm themselves, they’re also sometimes kind of cool.
  5. Friends are scattered. All those friends you made in college, high school, camp, etc. are all over the map. It’s true, 90% of them live in Somerville/Allston/Brooklyn, but still you get the point.

Jesse Doran graduated in 2013 and is currently a member of Tenacity, an Americorps program based in Boston. He enjoys Sambas, Celtics Basketball, and singing Blackbird. 


Tomorrow: 16th Annual Academic Festival All Day All Over Campus

Written by Executive Editor on April 29th, 2014
This is what you can expect at tomorrows Academic Festival.

This is what you can expect at tomorrows Academic Festival.

Tomorrow is the Academic Festival, Skidmore’s second largest campus-wide festival behind Earth Day. It basically means that all your friends that have been stressed out, short-tempered hermits the past couple weeks will present their research and then breath, drink, breath again, and then drink again, and again.

The event will take place all day tomorrow in places all over campus. There are four sessions with a lunch hour and closing reception. I tried to copy and paste every single presentation, panel discussion, and event going on but it proved to be nearly impossible. I will provide this link that will take you to a nice, organized PDF of the day’s happenings.

Academic Festival 2014, April 30th in Gannett Lobby, Palamountain 2nd Floor, and Tisch Learning Center 2nd Floor, from 9AM-5:30PM.


SEC Presents: Magic Man & Good Neighbor

Written by Executive Editor on April 28th, 2014
Last Day Of Classes

Last Day Of Classes

Tomorrow is the last day of classes, forever, for-ever, for-ev-er, f-o-r-e-v-e-r… if you’re a senior. So, in celebration of school being out for summer, the Skidmore Entertainment Committee (the group responsible for wrongfully leading us to believe that Macklemore was headlining Funday) has graced us with a spur-of-the-moment concert.

The concert will take place outside on the South Park Green, though it might rain, and in that case it will be in the Spa, with free food. Opening the set will be Skidmore’s Good Neighbor. If you’re not familiar with them, check out this video of them playing on the roof and outside of Stables during last semester’s unofficial Fall Funday:

Headlining tomorrow will be Magic Man, a group of magic men from Boston, Mass who make an interesting blend of electro-indie-pop-rock. You may remember them from the last time they played at Skidmore, in September 2012, opening for Oberhofer. If you’re not old enough to remember that, here’s a sample of their music:

Magic Man and Good Neighbor, South Park Green (or Spa),  April 29th at 6pm


RIP Bert Burykill, Ex-Skidmore Student & Vice Prison Correspondent

Written by Executive Editor on April 28th, 2014

Bert Burykill, an ex-Skidmore student and VICE prison correspondent, died last week from injuries sustained in a car accident. He was 33.

In 2004, at 23 years old, Burykill was a senior at Skidmore. He grew up in Connecticut, had a “normal” middle-class, suburban upbringing, attended “elite prep schools, played hockey year-round, and wound up getting accepted into Skidmore College, where, smooth as silk, [he] kept selling narcotics, mostly to [his] fellow students.”

Burykill was featured in a Vice documentary series called "Staying Out Of Prison."

Burykill was featured in a Vice documentary series called “Staying Out Of Prison.”

While at Skidmore, Burykill began traveling all over the Northeast selling narcotics. He was careless, immature, and making a lot of money. As he wrote in a December 2012 Vice article, Don’t Get Caught, “I was so cocky—I never actually thought the pork-chop patrol would come after me.” Well, while oblivious, the cops were following him. And in February of his senior year he was arrested outside Saratoga’s Barnes & Noble with a search warrant that translated into five  felony charges and upwards of 25 years in prison.

After going to court, and receiving “the same three-to-nine-year punishment as 50 Cent did for similar drug charges and [graduating] from the same program,” Burykill was released from prison in 2005, only to fall back into the drug game and get charged and put behind bars a second time in 2006.

While in various correctional facilities throughout New York, Burykill began sending letters to VICE editor Harry Cheadle, who started featuring Burykill as a Prison Correspondent in VICE’s “Pen Pals Column.” In a elegiac article about Burykill, Cheadle writes, “Whatever stereotypes you have about someone who had been in prison for drug dealing, Bert fell into none of them. I found him to be disarmingly goofy, soft-spoken, and earnest—a grown-up slacker with a heart of gold who was trying to figure out how to navigate his post-prison life.”

Once released from prison in 2013, VICE made a documentary about his life entitled “Staying Out Of Prison:”

Burykill wrote extensively about a lot of the shit he saw in prison and, as Rowley commented last year, “he does raise some salient points about the toll of the increasingly foolhardy and unpopular War on Drugs. Is it really worth wasting government resources keeping a non-violent lowlife who just wants to “frolic in some pusshole” stuck in the system?”

Rest In Peace Bert Burykill

You can read his column here.

You can read Cheadle’s eulogy here.

You can read Burykill’s “Don’t Get Caught” story here.


Fun Day Over/Unders

Written by Boson on April 24th, 2014
Not Pitchfork, Funday.

Not Pitchfork, Funday.

Over or Under:

# of people taken to Saratoga Hospital: 3

# of kegs buried under South Park Green: 1

Average wait on the burger line: 15 min

Amount of time the burger line actually seems to take: 1 hour

# of mounted campo: 1

# of people swimming in Haupt Pond: 6

# of bands who try to set up at the gazebo: 2

# of people on the naked run: 9

# of times Joshua Nelson gets puked on: 0.5

# of times Robin Adams gets puked on: 0.5

# of people wearing horse costumes: 2

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