Written by Hannibal Burgess on October 24th, 2014







Ben Jurney Publishes “Netflix, A Love Story” on The New Yorker Website

Written by Executive Editor on October 24th, 2014


Humorist and comedian Ben Jurney ’14 has had yet another humor piece published in the Shouts & Murmurs section of The New Yorker‘s website.

Jurney’s fourth piece on the site, “Netflix, A Love Story” showcases Jurney’s always impressive ability to take the some of the most mundane and relatable situations and inject them with oftentimes subtle yet rewarding hilarity:

Our first weeks together were full of late-night rendezvous. Each session was intense—we could go for three or four hours without stopping. Our favorite spots were in bed, on the couch, and sometimes in the kitchen. One night, my friend Carly even got in on the action. I had never tried anything like that before.

It’s like a longer version of your friend’s constant stream of Snapchats and Tweets about how Netflix is their boyfriend/girlfriend. But actually funny. Only a day after the story was published, “Netflix, A Love Story” is presently the most popular piece on the site’s Humor section. So be sure to check out the entire piece and keep it there. Congratulations to Jurney.


Skidmore Ranked 153rd Smartest College in America on Bullshit List

Written by Major Qwik on October 23rd, 2014
You might be happy, but are you NINTH-HAPPIEST-COLLEGE-IN-AMERICA happy?!

You might be happy, but are you NINTH-HAPPIEST-COLLEGE-IN-AMERICA happy?!

In college ranking lists, Skidmore tends to rank somewhere between “solid” and “definitely not worthy of a share on Facebook” with sites/magazines like this. Forbes put us at 102 in their most recent list, and Washington Monthly had us sitting pretty at 129. So none of this is particularly new, and none of this shit matters anyway. You get out of college what you put into it, and you can get a perfectly good education at any plenty of schools. Plus the economy/universe is shitty enough that it all ends up being relatively arbitrary anyway, and there’s no real way to guarantee financial success. You know this because you’re not 17 anymore.

Keeping all this in mind, it therefore gets pretty easy to shrug off when Skidmore doesn’t do well on lists like these. But what makes the Business Insider’s list of “The 600 Smartest Schools in America” more concerning is their simplistic methodology of ranking–which, I might add, they make no effort to hide: “Exclusively for Business Insider, Jonathan Wai, a Duke University Talent Identification Program researcher, calculated a ranking of America’s colleges and universities based purely on smarts, as reflected by the school’s average scores on standardized tests.” They begin the article with the claim “Schools are constantly being ranked on everything from student happiness, campus beauty, success of alums, and professor prestige. But where should you go if you want to be among the most intelligent students in America?”

Let me paraphrase that one for you. Essentially, what they’re saying is “We know people use a myriad of complex and valuable factors to rank colleges and help you pick the one that’s best for you and will fit your academic needs, but where do you want to go if you’re just plain ol’ fashioned smart?”  And what better single factor to use when indicating a student body’s intelligence than standardized tests, which have been repeatedly shown to have little correlation to actual performance or intelligence, causing many colleges to go test-optional. (Though it’s worth noting Skidmore isn’t even remotely test-optional, which hardly matches the whole progressive academic institution vibe.)

Also, to say that Wai “calculated a ranking…based purely on smarts” is essentially a euphemistic way of saying that he organized colleges in descending order of their average SAT scores. That sounds like the kind of tedious shit you do for your disappointing gig as a research assistant for your Stats professor or something. But that bears quite a bit of resemblance to another list run by Business Insider last year, and another one put out by Forbes back in August.

All that’s to say that this whole thing is just another installation in a line of gimmicky bullshit, but even more so than these lists are by their very nature. Though I suppose such a reductive and piece of “journalism” is no surprise coming from a business website that boasts articles like “19 Websites That Will Make You Smarter,” “9 Ways to Become Smarter,” and “Here Are 97 Books, Articles, And Movies That Will Make You Smarter.” Honestly. What is with website–specifically this particular writer–and the obsession of being “smart?” My personal favorite is “A Shocking Number Of The World’s Rich And Powerful Attended Elite Colleges,” which is less of a compelling article title, and more of a statement that barely requires saying.

Ultimately, the piece is just unnecessary and lazy, though it plays on an ever-increasing anxiety that plagues our culture and education system–namely the worry that you’ll somehow end up at a school that doesn’t immediately peg you as smart or worthy. Titling the article “Here Are The List of Schools With the Highest SAT Composite Scores” or “You Won’t Believe Which School Has the Students With the Highest SAT Scores” might be more appropriate and indicative of where this shit belongs: on BuzzFeed or Upworthy.


Weekend Distractions CXXV

Written by Executive Editor on October 23rd, 2014

5:00pm to 11:00pm – Quiet Music Festival @ The Tang
8:00pm – Finger Lake’s Guitar Quartet @ Zankel
10:00pm – Danny Pravder/Jake Ratkvich Free Improvisation @ Wilson Chapel

12:00pm – The Hunt @ Robin Adams’ Backyard*
4:00pm – Field Hockey vs. Union

12:00pm – Volleyball vs. RIT
2:00pm – Field Hockey vs. St. Lawrence
3:00pm – Volleyball vs. Clarkson
7:00pm – Cabaret Troupe Presents: Disney Cabaret @ Falstaff’s
8:00pm – Rey & Lemay LIVE: Food & Halloween @ Gannett
9:00pm – Drastic Measures/Dynamics Mini-Jam @ Wilson Chapel
10:00pm – The McLovins & Otter @ Falstaff’s

1:30pm – Skidprov @ Filene
3:00pm – Pola Baytelman Concert @ Zankel
8:00pm – The Klemperer Trio Concert @ Zankel

Missing something? Let us know in the replies!

*Do not actually go to Robin Adams’ house.


Civil Rights Advocate to Present Lecture on Racial Injustice in Legal System

Written by Executive Editor on October 21st, 2014

Michelle Alexander, critically-acclaimed author and legal scholar, will be speaking Wednesday, Oct. 22 at 7:30pm in Zankel.

Skidmore’s Committee on Intercultural and Global Understanding will be sponsoring a lecture presented by legal scholar and civil rights advocate Michelle Alexander on Wednesday, Oct. 22nd in Zankel. Alexander will give a talk entitled “The New Jim Crow,” which will most likely sample some of the material covered in her first book The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness–in which she claims that “”[w]e have not ended racial caste in America; we have merely redesigned it.” 

Published in 2010, The New Jim Crow received rave reviews and went on to win a slew of awards. Benjamin Todd Jealous of the NAACP wrote that the book “offers a timely and original framework for understanding mass incarceration, its roots to Jim Crow, our modern caste system, and what must be done to eliminate it. This book is a call to action.” Plus Cornel West called it the “secular bible for a new social movement in early twenty-first-century America,” so it doesn’t get much more badass than that.

Alexander, who currently hold a joint appointment at the Kirwan Institute for the Study of Race and Ethnicity and the Moritz College of Law at OSU, has spent many years in the legal system advocating for justice in cases of gender and race discrimination. She’s worked at the Racial Justice Project at the ACLU, the Civil Rights Clinic at Stanford, and in both the U.S. Supreme Court and the U.S. Court of Appeals.

As you can tell, this woman is pretty fucking incredible, seems like a very good speaker, and will no doubt have some very interesting things to say on an issue that has been at the focal point of the media and our cultural consciousness. Alexander writes in The New Jim Crow that “the future of the black community…may depend on the willingness of those who care about racial justice to re-examine their basic assumptions about the role of the criminal justice system in our society.”

So if you’re tired of seeing shit like this and this, then go to Alexander’s lecture on Wednesday at 7:30pm in Zankel.


Skidmore Student Denied Entrance to Shitty Bar Due to “Dress Code Violation”

Written by Major Qwik on October 20th, 2014

Shit went down on Caroline Street this past weekend—and that’s not counting the reports of a potential predatory-drugging in an unnamed bar Friday night. Kevin Berry ’15 reports that he was denied entrance to Paddock Lounge on Saturday night due to a volition of the dress code–namely, wearing a headband.

Rather than trying to parse the details together and give this the illusion of an objective play-by-play, I’ll just quote Berry’s email to the management at Paddock, which he also posted as a Facebook status:

At the door, I held out my ID in my left hand to be scanned. The bouncer saw that, I, a gay man, had painted nails and gave me a once-over that made me feel like a piece of meat. He took my ID, scanned it, it went through, and said “You gotta lose the headband.” I was wearing a zebra striped headband to hold my hair back out of my face. I asked why and he said “the dress code.” … My friend…asked the bouncer why I couldn’t have my simple headband on and he said “gangs. The dress code.” I decided to leave, and a more managerial type bouncer appeared from below, and my friend Sophie asked him again and he said “the dress code.” I told the manager-type he didn’t have to worry because I was leaving, and he gave me a good shove on my way past him.


Screen Shot 2014-10-20 at 10.14.36 PM

Gangs. Right. Apparently zebra-print is the new red and blue.

Now, I’m well aware that this is only one report of the incident, and maybe some of you question the legitimacy of the account—as people are known when things like this go down. There’s no denying that the retelling of the account is emotionally charged. But there’s just no denying that the bouncer keeping Berry—who is of age—entering into some bar in downtown Saratoga Springs is really, really strange. You hear about people getting denied because of fakes (or what might look like a fake). You hear about people getting turned away because they’re shit-housed and acting like assholes outside the place. But you rarely hear about people getting denied because of violating “the dress code” at Paddock or any other bar on Caroline Street.

You know why? Because it’s not the fucking 21 Club.

But besides that, there’s still the glaring issue that the particular person rejected was a gay college student with painted nails who was wearing a zebra-striped headband. If you don’t see any potential for correlation between the two, then you’re woefully unaware of the culture perpetuated by douchebags like that bouncer, his manager, and many of the other fucks who frequent places Paddock.

Berry has emailed the management at Paddock, but has yet to receive word from them, which isn’t really surprising. In fact, none of this is. You don’t have to dig deep into the anecdotes of Skidmore students–or others–to hear about shit like this happening downtown—and it comes from both the employees of many downtown establishments. But we now have a very vivid description of just such discrimination (yeah, that’s what it is) and a name to attach to it. So now it’s time to do what students of any progressive, forward-thinking academic institution are best at doing: boycott Paddock.

Honestly, why the fuck would you want to go here anyway?

Honestly, why the fuck would you spend your Friday night here anyway?

You don’t like the political and moralistic connotation of the word boycott? Don’t know who the fuck Kevin Berry is? Fine. Then just stop going to the shitty bar. There’s nothing for you there. It’s tacky and the music fucking blows. Give them shitty reviews on Yelp. If you’re feeling particularly motivated or indignant, contact them directly. Force them to acknowledge that what their meathead bouncer did was wrong–because it’s the respectable and right thing for any business to do. Otherwise we have every right to assume that they’re willing to turn a blind eye to shit like this, and we have every right to toss them into the trashy bin of Saratoga businesses. There are plenty of better ones that deserve your business.


Don’t Call It a Comeback, The Hunt’s Been Here for YEARS

Written by Glotzbach's Evil Twin on October 20th, 2014

ohhhhh yeeeeeahhhhhh

By now, you’ve all probably seen on Facebook or Yik Yak mysterious posts regarding something called The Hunt. “O wise Skidmore Unofficial, tell me about this magical thing! I’m just a freshman and I know nothing of the happenings on this campus!” Well, you’re in luck. Hunt Correspondents Dr. Spaceman and Glotzbach’s Evil Twin are here to give y’all the inside scoop:

Dr. Spaceman: Some of your highschool friends may have spoken of scavenger hunts at their schools… and I’m here to tell you: your highschool friends suck. The Hunt is a Skidmore tradition, the likes of which is unseen at any other institution. The Hunt is more fun, more degrading, and more day-drinky than any other scavenger hunt. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? Do you seek HONOR and GLORY? Winning the Hunt is basically something you can put on your resume. It’s a big deal. If you do have what it takes, you must register your 5 person team (including 1 designated driver! very important!). TO REGISTER, text “(413) GET-HUNT is our actual real phone number. text us your team name, members, and designated drive or email us at” That’s taken directly from TheHunt IsComing’s facebook page.

Screen Shot 2014-10-20 at 7.36.14 PM


First off, be very very very drunk and ready to do some ridiculous shit. This includes head shaving, tats, piercings, and sexy time with your team members. So pick a team you would be okay making out with. Basically, the Hunt Leaders give out a list of clues. Your team must interpret the phrases how you want, and take pictures to document your day-shananigans for the judging (don’t worry, you can delete them later). Then, your team goes in front of a panel of honored judges. This is where y’all get crazy. Whoever does the most insane shit wins the honor and glory that comes with the hunt.

Glotzbach’s Evil Twin: Hey there folks. I participated in the hunt my freshman and sophomore years, and both times rank among my top college memories. Not tryina get corny here, but the hunt holds a special place in my heart… although my team has never won because we still retained some of our dignity. Anyway, last year the Hunt tragically fell through. If you’re a current sophomore or freshman, you don’t know what you’re missing. But this year…THIS YEARit is making its triumphant return. October 24th (AKA Study Day) is the sacred day on which the hunt is held. Study day means no obligations. It means nothing will stand between you and your team as you quest onwards to victory.

Personally, I recommend starting the day with a nalgene of your choice mixed drink. This is best coupled with a pack of cigs that you buy on impulse. Some people have tripped on the hunt, but I would not recommend that as the day is weird enough without hallucinogens. Remember: day drinking is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. To have an enjoyable Hunt, it’s crucial to find that sweet spot: drunk enough to do crazy things throughout the day, but physically able to last through the judging and then make it to the Hunt Afterparty.

Ah yes…the afterparty. Rumors will run wild. You will hear tales of absolutely absurd, disgusting things done that day, and then you’ll find out they’re actually true. When the immense glory of The Hunt has passed, there’s a good chance that you’ll never be able to look at your teammates the same way. Theres also a good chance that one person who won will never be looked at the same again. But hey, even if you squeeze a bottle of water into your friend’s butthole while they’re doing a naked handstand, and even if that doesn’t get you in the top three teams, there’s one important lesson everyone should remember:

The Hunt is fucking awesome and probably one of the best times you’ll have at college. 

Now here is a good warmup for you and your team:






Happy Hunting, y’all!

-Dr. Spaceman & Glotzbach’s Evil Twin


Tips for the Skidmore Halloween Season (Freaktober)

Written by Carmen Sandiego on October 19th, 2014

Noticed any artful gourd arrangements lately?

Some of you are new here, and maybe you haven’t heard about the Skidmore bacchanal that is Halloween season. Well, it has begun, and we’re not quite at the epicenter of it yet. Maybe some of you are dreading the chaos that ensues as liquor bottles and candy corn vomit begin to collect scattered piles in and around of of your dorm building, wiry freshman girls probe for LSD in hushed tones the week before Chance the Rapper, inevitably falling into the mud/horseshit mixture that is the ground at Stables at least once, feeling the need to flaunt your creative presence at this school through some witty costume, and the overall knowledge that by the end of this month you will have lost at least 75% of your IQ and still have the November-April ice age to look forward to. Maybe you’re just hibernating and ordering from Char Koon. Maybe you’re even focusing on classes. That’s also totally acceptable.

As for me, I live for the dirty fucking mess of Skidmore in October. As much as it is a debaucherous display of excess, you would be a fool not to relish it. Honestly, it tickles my heart to see flushed faces with paint on them, or a power ranger and duck making out, or just the subtle beauty of a discarded Pizza 7 box in front of Wait. The fall at Skidmore unifies us, and allows us all to be disgusting that we miss so dearly within us. Maybe you don’t like going out – at least walk in north woods or do some cool shit with pumpkin. Hey, rent one of the bikes from the library on the weekend and escape the zombie apocalypse that is campus in the autumn! Take this opportunity to be the fool you know you want to be, because them leaves only turn four times in Saratoga. Based on previous experience, I have designed a detailed guide to help you make the most of your October

1. Just take pictures. Take freaky pictures, take cliche pictures, take awful ugly pictures, take pictures climbing trees, take pictures doing playful shit with leaves, take pictures. I know that you would rather not be like everyone else (we are all like that here, so nice try), but its quite possible that you won’t remember why you ever came to this school by the time it is December, so use these photos to remind yourself.

2. Suck up your pride and go to Stables. Maybe you can tell yourself you are just attending to make fun of people and accidentally end up having fun and not tell anyone. If it sucks, go visit those horses in the barn. You’ll probably get yelled at but at least you got to touch a pony and the night wasn’t a TOTAL waste.

3. Do the costume thing one night. You don’t even need to plan it—RESIST THE PRESSURE! But I’d be willing to bet that you will think of something, and when you do, act! Seriously, you could go as a caveman wearing nothing but a dishrag and would gain more respect than if you were the captain of the hockey team here.

4. Go to the Pulse and Accents mini-jam on October 31st in Gannett. These things are a whole cornucopia of fun—bring drinks if you need to, and get your jam on. Last time I went to one of these things I had a 40 in my hand and danced like I was in the basement of Paddock. They are better than you may think.

5. Attend a public and well-funded Saratoga event. Reap the benefits of living in a nicer town than you will live in for years after you graduate. There are bound to be a few. There’s often free food (Mrs. London’s hot chocolate usually happens). The best part about town events is you get to see all the weird high school youths you never saw before, rambling the streets in small confused clusters, black hoodies and brown uggs. It’s really quite exciting.

6. GIRLS. Wear a mens sweater with no pants at all. It’s exhilarating and it’s okay, because fall.

7. Smash a pumpkin. Smash it to pay tribute to your self-pitying days as a sophomore in high school, sporting high top converse and crying yourself to sleep. But really, last year some girls threw a pumpkin out of the window of Wait and it was beautiful. But look out below, because causing concussions is definitely not punk.

8. Go to the tacky mansion on Broadway! You know, the one that is entirely own and run by small dogs who sit in thrones. You probably know which one I am talking about. That house is hosting an event on the 31st from 3:30-9:30 pm during which they will be handing out 12 chocolate bars with hidden $100 bills inside. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Also there will be cider donuts and apple cider.


Weekend Distractions CXXIV

Written by Hannibal Burgess on October 17th, 2014

Your parents?  How many questions can you dodge about your weekend activities?  Let us know in the comments below!

4:00pm – Women’s Soccer vs William Smith College
6:00pm – Women’s Volleyball vs Vassar College (at RIT)
8:00pm –Women’s Volleyball vs Union College (at RIT)
8:00pm – Dancing at Lughnasa @ JBK Theater (Black Box)
8:00pm – Carnegie Hall Premiers: Ensemble ACJW @ Zankel

9:00am-3:00pm – Library Book Sale @ Scribner Library
2:00pm – Women’s Volleyball vs Bard College (at RIT)
8:00pm – Dancing at Lughnasa @ JBK Theater (Black Box)
8:30pm – Skidmore “Under the Big Top” @ Williamson Sports Center, Main Gym

1:30pm – Skidprov @ Filene
11:00am-5:00pm – Falstaff’s Coffee House @ Falstaff’s
2:00pm– Dancing at Lughnasa @ JBK Theater (Black Box)

Missing something? Let us know in the replies!


Best Campo Incident Reports from Sept. 19 to Oct. 2

Written by Charmander on October 16th, 2014
I spy with my little eye...

I spy with my little eye…

Saturday, September 20 

  • Fire Alarm Apparatus at 12:16 AM: Report that the cover to the fire alarm in Jonsson Tower was accidentally bumped into and is emitting a small audible alarm. Officers dispatched and rectified the situation.
  • College Violation-Noise at 9:28 PM: Officer responded to a noise complaint in Jonsson Tower stating that a student was in the common hallway area playing a guitar. He was advised to lower the volume.

Monday, September 22 

  • Trespass at 8:15 AM: Report that a person was in the dumpster. Officer reports person gone on arrival.

Tuesday, September 23 

  • Suspicious Activity at 11:09 AM: Individual called stating there is a suspicious male walking around in the North Hall Lot looking at vehicles. Individual states he is acting very suspicious. Dispatched Officer reports finding the subject who stated that he is visiting someone in the Harder Hall. Subject was reunited with the employee.

Thursday, September 25

  • Suspicious Activity at 10:00 AM: RP reports someone opened and closed her door in Howe Hall last night. Report taken.

Friday, September 26

  • Fire Alarm-Accidental at 9:03 PM: Received a fire alarm for the Sports Center. Officers, Maintenance and advised SSFD.
  • College Violation-Noise at 11:05 PM: Noise complaint in Sussman Apartments Officers who report area is quiet at this time.

Saturday, September 27

  • Suspicious Activity at 6:45 AM: RP reported finding a male sleeping on the floor in classroom in Ladd Hall. Disp. Officers who identified the male and escorted him from the building.
  • Suspicious Activity at 9:54 PM: RP states there are three males that appear to be sitting on the apartment roof at Dayton Drive. Officer who reports subjects GOA.
  • College Violation-Noise at 10:44 PM: RP states there is a large gathering of students congregating on Tower Greens who may have alcohol. Officers who report no problems at this time.  Group is playing a game with no alcohol present.

Sunday, September 28

  • Campus Safety Assist at 4:50 PM: RP states the Woodlawn street sign is missing and requests Campus Safety keep a look out for it in case it appears on campus.
  • Suspicious Activity at 9:20 PM: RP reports there are two older males rummaging through recycle bins in Northwoods Apartments. Officers dispatched. 9:44 PM: Officer reports several students picking through trash dumpsters for a lost item. Students were asked to stop and clear out and complied.

Monday, September 29

  • College Violation-Other at 05:07 PM: RP observed a couple of people who may be smoking marijuana outside Wilson Chapel. Officer who reports subjects are rolling their own cigarettes with regular tobacco.

Tuesday, September 30 2014

  • Welfare Checks at 1:31 PM: RP request a check be made for daughter living in Sussman Apartments as she has been feeling ill and cannot be reached. Disp. Officer who reports Student is fine and is calling her mom.
  • Welfare Checks at 10:12 PM: RP called requesting a welfare check for her son in Rounds Hall. Officers who located student in his room.  He states that his phone is dead but will return the call when phone is charged. Called parent and advised her.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

  • Suspicious activity at 8:01 AM: RP States the door to room in Rounds Hall is wide open and neither occupant is there. A call placed to both occupants went right to voicemail. Dispatched Officer who reports locating once occupant asleep in bed and the other occupant was reached successfully by cell phone at this time
  • Suspicious Activity at 2:58 PM: RP called stating there is a couple walking down Clinton St carrying something like a sleeping bag. Officers checked the area to no avail. Subjects GOA.