I usually hate when people do the most, but this kid’s alright.
Hello, friends. This is the Ghost of Hannibal Burgess! And the Reanimated Corpse of Charmander! Spoooooooooky! As you are all aware, Halloween falls on a Friday this year. It has been many moons since such a blessing, and we must offer a tribute to the Great Pumpkin, or, if he’s busy, Satan.
It’s gonna be a wet and wild weekend, so we’ve put together this fun little guide to aid you in your quest for spooky booty–And I don’t mean just candy! We also mean FUN!
Let’s break Halloween down into its main components, shall we?
We’ve got three nights this year, so plan accordingly!
Don’t be Elsa. Everyone is going to be Elsa. Even dogs are going to be Elsa. Even the Boston fucking Bruins are going as Elsa. Rise above it. Let it go. Be something unique and out of the box, like “a rainy day” or “Cousin Skeeter.”
Here’s the thing about skimpy costumes: Halloween night is going to be VERY chilly, like 30 degrees! It might even snow! We’re all for body positivity and freedom to express yourself, but you’ll catch your death out there! If your mother knew you left Penfield without a coat, what would she say? Probably nothing, because the thought alone has KILLED HER! So hold back on your sexy Gollum costume until you live somewhere not on the verge of a new Ice Age.
No blackface. NO BLACKFACE? NO BLACKFACE. Nothing that could be even remotely affiliated with blackface. None of that Moon Emoji bullshit. If I see someone in a Ray Rice costume, I am contractually obligated to set them on fire. Like Angie Jordan says, “Don’t do imitations of other races, Liz.” Do not disappoint the Queen of Jordan. This might (and should) make you reassess the Cousin Skeeter suggestion.
Don’t do this either:
Yes, we know this image is fake but we’re illustrating a point here. You’ve probably thought it.
Pace yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Although, sprinting from house to house while drinking is certainly encouraged.
You also do NOT have to drink, I guess. Drinking does not make you interesting, despite what Hemingway might tell you. Be yourself.
Do them. All of them. At least seven of them.*
*Do not take seven of the blue ones. No one knows where the blue ones came from.
Fuck cops. Actual cops, not costumed cops. Cops are liars. Question authority. Who are they really protecting and serving? Who watches the Watchmen?
Ask your friends! They know more than you, and are better looking and more popular. Actually, could I get their numbers?
Do not ask Yik Yak. 235 Maple isn’t happening. It will never happen. Nothing ever happens on Maple. Cool your karma.
If you go to the infamous DT, watch out for the most dangerous monster of all: the straight white male over the age of 25.
Obviously, Moorebid isn’t happening this year (or did you not hear?), so you might have to get creative in terms of venues to get your drank on. Explore your options! Be proactive! There’s that huge stall in the 2nd floor Bolton/Palamountain men’s bathroom. Do body shots in the same room where Senate fails to make real change (TOPICAL). Or an elevator suite in JoTo (if you know an upperclassmen who’s cool  enough to live in one). Or the upper-level art studios. Or your room. By yourself. Thinking about the girl from your Bio lab. The one you definitely had a chance, if only you’d talked to her that one time you were in line behind her at Global. Drink amongst your failures and regrets, for there are so many. Call your mother. She misses you.
Hit up that giant mansion on Broadway; they’ve got the best stuff. But actually, there are several candy bars there with $100 bills in them (because spooky) so test your luck!
If you’re giving out candy: Take a shot every time you see a little girl dressed as Elsa. (Surgeon General’s Warning: You will die.)
Halloween can be iffy if you are going abroad for a semester (other countries aren’t into it like we are? We don’t run the world?) so make your mark right here. Right now. In America. You’re safe here.
That just about wraps it up! Share your Halloween plans with us in the comments! Or don’t! Happy Halloween, and be sure to be spooky!